Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, Now with Fructose!
by KukaruiValentine
Summary: The title says it all, it's crazy, it's rude, it's my first ever fanfiction I found floating around out in cyberspaces of my computer. Beth is a Mary Sue in this one, so yes, I know that. It's VERY AU! Read it if you like my other works, this started the
1. Session One

**Complete and Utter Nonsense  
  
A Final Fantasy VII fan fiction. By: Beth Procarione**  
  
_Disclaimer: I do not own any of the names here used, this is just for fun and I hope I don't insult anyone by doing this! THAT being said. start the funny,  
  
O.K. Here's the scoop, Aries and Sephiroth are alive again, so are all the villains and there are a few extra characters along the way. Cloud is still semi-clueless and Vincent is still dark and mysterious, and yes, Cid still smokes like a chimney. This is set some time after the whole game is and it is a lot of fun.  
  
Not my typical Fan Fiction; A/U; VERY A/U! In this one, the Beth used is the author and she is a Mary Sue; Yes, this is my original fan fiction, the FIRST! AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Read and Review please!!!!!!!! But please be gentle, remember that this is the first fiction that I ever, ever wrote, I found it hiding somewhere in the bowels of my computer, so I thought, what the hey!  
  
Kukarui is also known as BLUE._  
  
Okay**. Chapter One: Meeting the GROUP!**  
  
Beth: You guys are early. I am not ready yet.. (brushing teeth) wait..  
  
Beth: Okay, let me get my purse and we are gone.. (walks over to closet door and opens it to revel the Final Fantasy VII land.) Magic Doors, gotta love them.. (grips her purse tightly and screams) Geronimo!!!!!!!!!!!! (jumps into the door, it closes behind her)   
  
Beth: (falling from fifty feet in the air) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (stops to take a breath)eeeppp! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
(THUD!) (Beth shaped crater)  
  
Sephiroth: Ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!! That's funny!!!!! (leaning against tree)  
  
Beth: (getting up out of the crater and rubbing her head) Did YOU do that?  
  
Sephy: YEP!!  
  
Beth: (her door floats down to the ground, she looks at Sephy with an evil look in her eye)  
  
Sephy: Hey.. (backs away) What are you. don't look at me like that...   
  
Beth: Here, Sephy, Sephy!!(Smiles sweetly while motioning for him to come with her index finger)   
  
Sephiroth: UH HUH!! NO WAY!!!!!!  
  
Beth: (starts to run after him)  
  
Sephiroth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! (turns and runs around the field) OHHHHH! (slams into the magic door, now standing in the middle of the grass) owchie.  
  
Beth: (walks up behind him and grabs him)  
  
Sephy: Put me down!! Put me d- AHHHHHHHH!!!!!  
  
Beth: (opens the door to show the bowels of hell) In you go!!  
  
Sephy: (turns his Masamune so he won't go through the door) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! (looks in the door) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MOMMYY!!!!! Jenova: (sighs, sitting in the shade of the tree, painting her nails a pretty pink color) Told you this would happen son. (she's blowing on her nails to dry them)  
  
Beth: (Grumbles and pushes Sephy, he won't budge) YESSSSSSSSS!  
  
Sephy: (holding on for dear life) NO NO NO NO NO!!  
  
Beth: (growls and keeps pushing) In. you.. GO!!  
  
Sephy: (sword disappears) Oh SHI-  
  
Beth: (laughs) In you go!!  
  
Sephy: AHHH (Falls through the door)  
  
Beth: (slams the door behind her and dusts her hands off) There. (Notices Sephiroth's Masamune on the ground) Ah-ha. (Picks it up and puts it in her magic purse) Now.. Where are the others?  
  
(Jenova disappears)  
  
(Beth looks around, humming to herself)  
  
(As if on cue, the good guys come walking towards the field.)  
  
Cloud: This way! My maties of fun!  
  
Cid: Stop with that fruit talking you FRUIT!!  
  
Cloud: It isn't fruity talking!  
  
Cid: Yes it is!!  
  
Cloud: Hey, I am terrifying!!  
  
Cid: Yeah.... there is nothing scary about you at all!!  
  
Cloud: I am too scary!! I can make any monster think twice about messing with me  
  
Cid: The only thing that monsters may think twice about is that they are afraid of being butt-fu-   
  
Aeris: Stop it you two!!  
  
Cloud: Aeris!? What are you doing here??  
  
Aeris: How am I supposed to know?  
  
Tifa: Weren't you like DEAD?  
  
Nanaki: Yes, I saw you die right in front of my face.  
  
Vincent: Death is. cool. (expressionless face)  
  
Cid: (puffs on his cig) Death is a far way off...  
  
Vincent: Not with the way YOU Smoke, you chimney you!  
  
Cloud: But how could she be alive??  
  
Yuffie: Hey! (Completely distracted) MATERIA!!!! (Runs to it) MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!!!! YOU CAN"T HAVE IT!!!!!!!! (picks up a shiny rock)  
  
Tifa: Uh. Yuffie. that's  
  
Barret: Foo'! Dat ain't no damn materia!!  
  
Yuffie: THAT IS MINE MY MATERIA!! (growls at Tifa)  
  
Tifa: fine...fine... (continues walking)  
  
Cloud: (sigh) what do you think Tifa.  
  
Tifa: How am I supposed to know.?  
  
Nanaki: Perhaps she came back because of.. of.  
  
Barret: Stuf" it you overgrown dawg!  
  
Nanaki: (sniff) I am not  
  
Barret: Are too foo'!  
  
Nanaki: Am not...Barret: Are too  
  
Nanaki: Are NOT!!  
  
Barret: ARE Not....  
  
Nanaki: AM NOT  
  
Barret: ARE TOO!!  
  
Nanaki: AM NOT!!  
  
Barret: ARE TOO FOO'!!  
  
Cid: (interrupting) He is not.  
  
Nanaki: (smiles warmly) Thanks Cid.  
  
Cid: He's a furry cigarette lighter!! (Grabs his tail and lights his smoke)  
  
Nanaki: (Sighs) I don't know what is worse.  
  
Cait Sith: (lagging behind) Hey, guys. something is going to happen today.  
  
Vincent: .may I commit yet another sin? Oh, more nightmares are going to come to me....  
  
Cid: Shut up, nobody cares!!!   
  
Vincent: You are an insensitive old GOAT!!  
  
Cid: And I am about to shove my horns right up your.......  
  
Aeris: Stop fighting!!!  
  
Yuffie: We are going shopping for MATERIA??  
  
Cait Sith: No. not that I can tell.  
  
Tifa: than what is it??  
  
Cloud: Guys, we have to find Sephiroth! He's alive again!!  
  
Cait Sith: Something.(ignoring Cloud)  
  
Nanaki: he is a little vague.(also ignoring Cloud)  
  
Cloud: HEY!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!! (runs circles around the group and dances the funky chicken) BRAWK RAAWWK WARRK WARRKKKK!!!!!!!  
  
(A chocobo comes out of nowhere and pecks Cloud almost to death)  
  
Cloud: Ouch....ow....ow..... ouch.......... ow... ouchies... owch....ow........... ohhhhhhhh....I am.... bleeding over here....  
  
(Nobody seems to notice or care)  
  
Barret: Fucking idiot Cat-spy is always a LITTLE VAGUE! God damn you!!!  
  
Tifa: Well. I am tired. let's stop at this tree.   
  
Aeris: that looks like very good spot to rest.  
  
Nanaki: Yes, Let's stop.  
  
Beth: Good idea. (Leaning against tree) Hello. (gives a cute little wave)  
  
Tifa: Who in the world.  
  
Barret: What the FUCK? You asshole! (glares at Cait Sith) WAS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT????  
  
Cloud: (stands up all bloody and uses the Cure3 Materia on himself) Ouch....  
  
Beth: Please. I am Beth. nice to meet cha!!  
  
Yuffie: Is. that a.  
  
Beth: Yep.  
  
Yuffie: MATERIA TREE!!!!!! IT GROWS MATERIA!!!!!!  
  
Beth: Sure it does.  
  
Yuffie: (dances around tree) Yah!!Cloud: So who are you??  
  
Beth: I am Beth.   
  
Nanaki: Who is Beth.?  
  
Yuffie: (climbs tree and humming)  
  
Beth: Me.  
  
Cloud: And who is me'?   
  
Beth: Me is Beth.  
  
Nanaki: Beth is.  
  
Beth: ME.  
  
Yuffie: (humming and laughing, stuffing her pockets with materia)  
  
Aeris: Okay guys. you can only do one joke for SO long. She is Beth.  
  
Cloud: She's who???  
  
ALL: BETH!!  
  
Barret: She looks like anudder fuckin' Author  
  
Beth: I am Barret. but not the whole. um.Expletive part of that.  
  
Aeris: Is that why I am alive again?  
  
Beth: Yes ma'am  
  
Cloud: Sephiroth too?  
  
Beth: Come on. lighten up, I had to have some comic relief in this!!  
  
Aeris: Where did he go?  
  
Beth: (points to magic door, dramatically) In there.  
  
Nanaki: Where does that lead to?  
  
Beth: Where ever I want it to lead to. that's the beauty of it..  
  
Cloud: (walks over and opens the door) HEY!! (just a door frame, in the middle of the grass) IT'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE! (sticks his head in the open door)  
  
Beth: Well, DUH! I can't have that thing open to just anyone, can I?  
  
Cloud: Where did you send him.  
  
Nanaki: (his tail wags towards Cid and feels it getting hot) My tail is...  
  
(Just then a ball of flames shoots up from the ground, incinerating Cid. There is the devil himself, holding onto a blackened and crispy Sephiroth)   
  
Devil: (throws him on the ground) NO THANK YOU!!! (vanishes into a ball of flames again)  
  
Cid: (charred and blackened, his cigarette smoking slightly, as is his hair) ow. STUPID DOG!! (chases after Nanaki)  
  
Nanaki: I didn't do that!!  
  
Cid: You incinerated me!! YOU DUMB SHIT EATING FUCK NUT!!!!!!!  
  
Nanaki: (with Cid right on his heels) BETH HELP ME!!!  
  
Cid: (runs into the magic door, shutting it on Cloud's head, Cid falls in a pile of ashes)  
  
Cloud: HEY!! HE MESSED UP MY HAIR!!!!!!!!  
  
Cid: (Now a pile of ashes)  
  
Sephiroth: That was mean!! (stands up and dusts himself off)  
  
Beth: AND moving my magic door so I would fall sixty feet from thin air wasn't?? WELL!??!  
  
Sephiroth: It was only fifty feet.  
  
Beth: Sixty.Sephiroth: fifty..  
  
Tifa: (Pulls out script) Uh. he's right, I hate to admit that..  
  
Cloud: (Thinking: Where did she pull that script from?)  
  
Beth: (looks at script) Okay. I will give him that.  
  
Cloud: Where's his. uh. Masamune?  
  
Beth: (humming) I don't know. (whistles merrily)  
  
Tifa: Where is that dog... Nanaki? (Looking around)  
  
Nanaki: (hiding under a bush from Cid)  
  
Barret: Dog? Like... DOG PILE!! (runs for Sephiroth)  
  
Sephiroth: EEP!! (runs)  
  
Beth: Watch out of the.  
  
Sephiroth: (turns to run and runs into the magic door again)  
  
Barret: (body slams Sephy)  
  
Cait Sith: (jumps on)  
  
Cid: (still smoking, just a cig in a pile of ash) ouch.  
  
Beth: Sephiroth. go home.  
  
Sephiroth: (mumbled from the two on top of him)   
  
Beth: Guys. off.  
  
Sephiroth: (Starts to run away.then runs back) HEY!! MY Masamune!!  
  
Beth: Okay, do you want it?? (evil grin)  
  
Sephiroth: YES!!  
  
Beth: He wants it.  
  
Tifa: OH no.. (covers eyes)  
  
Aeris:(jumping up and down excitedly) Give it to him!! GIVE IT TO HIM.  
  
Beth: (pulls a censored screen over her and Sephiroth) Give us just a moment here, will you kindly?  
  
Sephiroth: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Beth: (pulls screen up) there you go.  
  
Sephiroth: (coldly) thanks. (sword in head)   
  
Beth: Don't mention it.  
  
Tifa: (uncovers eyes) Oh...  
  
Sephiroth: (walks away)  
  
Tifa: (grabs broom and dustpan to clean up Cid)  
  
Aeris: (laughing her ass off) He asked for it.  
  
Beth: Yep.  
  
Tifa: Hey, Beth... could you... help?? (holds up the dustpan of Cid)  
  
Beth: Oh, sure (Cid turns back to normal)  
  
Tifa: (holding dustpan with Cid standing on it) AH!! (drops dustpan)  
  
Cid:(falls on face) oh....  
  
Nanaki: (comes out from hiding) ah...  
  
Yuffie: (has climbed the materia tree and is now fast asleep)  
  
Cait Sith: SEE!?? SOMETHING HAS HAPPENED!  
  
Barret: You are still VAGUE! You god damned Cat!  
  
Vincent: (sits under the tree) hmm... I think this is funny....Cid:( grabs for Nanaki's tail to light another cigarette)  
  
Nanaki: (bites Cid)  
  
Cid: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RABID DOG LION!! GIT IT OFF GIT IT OFF!!!!!! (failing his arm wildly)  
  
Nanaki: (holding on for the ride)  
  
Cid: (Now dancing around, runs over to tree and starts banging Nanaki against the trunk)  
  
Yuffie: (wakes up and falls out of tree onto Vincent)  
  
Vincent: (gets a rude wake-up call) HEY!  
  
Yuffie: NO! MY MATERIA!!! NOT YOURS!!! (beats Vincent)  
  
Vincent: HELP ME!!!  
  
Nanaki: (still biting Cid) Apologize..  
  
Cid: LET GO!! (casts Ice on him)  
  
Nanaki: (laughs) that's all you got?   
  
Yuffie: (beating the living daylights out of Vincent) MY MATERIA MINE MINE MINE MINE  
  
MIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNEEE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud: (sigh) This is normal..  
  
Beth: For you it is.  
  
Barret: What the fuck foo's!   
  
Aeris:. wow. Yuffie is pissed..  
  
Tifa: HOLD ON NANAKI!!  
  
Nanaki: (growls) I am ... ow. ...trying to. (being beaten by a trident)  
  
Cid: (beating Nanaki to get him off) OFF!!  
  
Nanaki (still biting) Say please..  
  
Cid: PLEASE?!?!?!  
  
Nanaki: (lets go)  
  
Cid: (grabs his arm) STUPID.SHIT!!  
  
Nanaki: (pulls a toothbrush out of nowhere and brushes his teeth) YEEECK!!!!!!  
  
Cloud: (Thinking: Where did he get that toothbrush from?)  
  
Beth: (laughing) that's showing him Nanaki!!!  
  
Yuffie: MINE MINE YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MY MY MATER...I....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (Yuffie pulls out Cloud's weapon from behind her back and runs towards Vincent.  
  
(Vincent jumps up and tries to run away from the mad Yuffie)  
  
Yuffie: AND STAY AWAY!!!  
  
Vincent: (hiding behind Beth) Yeesh...  
  
Beth: (laughing)  
  
Barret: DUDE! (walks over to Vincent) Pull yourself together MAN!! (slaps him around)  
  
Vincent: (back to normal) Thanks... I needed that.  
  
Beth: This is fun!  
  
Nanaki: Yeesh!!(Gargling with mouthwash)   
  
Cid: Come ON Nanaki!! It isn't THAT BAD!  
  
Yuffie: (looking at Cait Sith) You aren't getting any of my materia... STUPID MOG!!  
  
Cait Sith: I don't want your materia!  
  
Nanaki: (Gargling now) Tastes like Camel!!!  
  
Cid: You KNOW I smoke Salem!!  
  
Vincent: Uh a GIRLIE Cigarette!!  
  
Yuffie: Get away from me!! (backing away from Cait Sith)  
  
Cait Sith: Uh... I don't want your materia....  
  
Cid: IS NOT  
  
Vincent: IS TOO  
  
Cid: IS NOT IS NOT  
  
Nanaki: (gargling and spits out the mouthwash on Vincent's shoes)  
  
Beth: Yes.actually, it is.  
  
Cid: Vincent's just a fucktard that doesn't know his smokes!  
  
Yuffie: DAMN IT MOG!!! (starts running towards Cait Sith) STAY AWAY FROM MY MATERIA!!!  
  
Cait Sith: (screams) Run away!!!  
  
Vincent: (glares at Nanaki)  
  
Cid: It isn't a girlie cigarette.  
  
Beth: Yes. it is...  
  
Nanaki: (scared) Uh.... oopsy.... sorry Vin..... (tucks tail between his legs, ears flatten on his head)  
  
Vincent: (growls and turns into Chaos Limit Break)  
  
Cid: Is not!!  
  
Yuffie: (catches Cait Sith behind the tree, several screams are heard from Cait Sith) MINE MINE MINE MINE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  
  
Cait Sith: (knocked out cold)  
  
Yuffie: That'll teach him to even THINK about taking my materia!  
  
Nanaki: (SCREAMS and runs)  
  
Chaos: (roars)  
  
Beth: IS TOO!!  
  
Cid: IS NOT!!  
  
Beth: (pulls out a hammer out of her bag and bangs Cid on his head)  
  
Cid: (turns Chibi)  
  
Chaos: (attacks Nanaki)  
  
Nanaki: (screams; hits limit break)  
  
Chaos: (attacks again)  
  
Nanaki (uses his Cosmo Memory Limit Break)  
  
Aeris: (looks at Chibi Cid) What is that hammer.  
  
Beth: Chibi-hammer, for random chibi-ness just for fun.  
  
Cloud: As if there isn't enough going on around here right now?  
  
Aeris: Oh.  
  
Chaos: (growls and uses another attack)  
  
Nanaki: (knocked out)  
  
Chaos: (turns back into Vincent)  
  
Cid: (tries to light a cig, but some random generic cop comes walking by)  
  
Generic Cop: (glares at Chibi Cid) Sorry Kid, you have to be eighteen to smoke.  
  
Cid: I have I.D!!! (frantically searches for his I.D.) I.... I don't have it....  
  
Generic Cop: Sorry Kid.... no Cigs for you.  
  
Cid: (fuming) IT IS...N'T.... FAIR!!!!!!!!!  
  
Generic Cop: (vanishes)  
  
Vincent: (brushes his hands off and looks at his shoe) hmm...  
  
Tifa: (ignoring Cid and the Cop) Oh, uh.... sure.... Chibi Hammer....  
  
Cloud: (looking at Chibi Cid) Ahhhh... he's cute... (puts finger up to tickle Chibi Cid)  
  
Chibi Cid: (grumbles and bites Cloud's finger)  
  
Cloud: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! RABID CHIBI!!!!!!!!!! (flails his arm around in the field)  
  
Beth: (laughing at all the random chaos going on around her)  
  
Cloud: (pulls Chibi Cid by the ear and tugs)  
  
Aeris: Hey, could you... help?  
  
Beth: Fine... (aims the hammer, but misses Cid and "accidently" hits Cloud)  
  
Cloud: (turns Chibi too) HEY!  
  
Beth: (innocently) oopsy...  
  
Aeris: Could you change them... back please?  
  
Tifa: Yes, Please....  
  
Beth: (sighs) fine... (bangs them each on the head again, Cid gets hit less hard than Cloud)  
  
Cloud: (Gets smashed, now out cold)  
  
Aeris: Was that... necessary?? (looks at the knocked out Cloud)  
  
Beth: Uh... (innocently) No, not at all... umm...  
  
Cid: Uh, thanks, I think.... (lights cig) Ahhhhhhhhhhh..... I needed that... (inhales deeply)  
  
Cloud: (still out cold)  
  
Beth: (sighs) Oh, alright...  
  
Cloud: (comes too)  
  
Vincent: (looks at Nanaki) Oops... uh... hey BETH!!  
  
Cloud: (Staggers over into the field) ohh....  
  
Beth: (looks over at Nanaki and Vincent) What did you do??  
  
Vincent: I don't remember...  
  
Nanaki: (a little pile of charred ash)  
  
Cloud: (several head hunters appear out of nowhere and start attacking Cloud) AHHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
No One else seems to notice.  
  
Beth: (sighs and Nanaki is back to normal)  
  
Nanaki: hmm... I SAID I was SORRY!!  
  
Vincent: uh... sorry?  
  
Tifa: Oh... (sees the dead Cloud and uses life2 to cure him) There! Stupid!!  
  
Beth: (giggles)  
  
Red: (sighs) Forget it....  
  
Beth: (smiles) Shall we go somewhere to sit down??  
  
Cloud: Oh, sure...  
  
Beth: (walks over to door and opens it, jumping in) Come on guys!!  
  
Cloud: Yes! Let's go my sassy little groupies!!  
  
Cid: (Glares at Cloud) WHAT!? (raises fist)  
  
Cloud: Uh, I mean... Let's get going girlies!!  
  
Cid: (hits Cloud)  
  
Vincent and Nanaki follow Beth into the door...  
  
Cloud: Did they just jump in there?  
  
Cid: Nah  
  
Barret: No  
  
Cait Sith: Not at all...  
  
Tifa and Aeris follow the others.  
  
Cloud: Oh, Okay..  
  
Barret and Cid follow after the others through the door.  
  
Yuffie jumps in too.  
  
Cait Sith grabs Cloud and jumps into the door  
  
Cloud yells "WATCH THE HAIR" , it closes behind them. 


	2. Session Two

A/N: Like I have said before, this is the first one of my fan fictions, the very first I ever wrote. So it is just for fun and just for some laughs. I hope that everyone realizes that I know that this Beth is a Mary Sue, with the magic purse and magic door, but hey, like I have said before, it's just for a laugh.  
  
Chapter Two-  
  
AVALANCHE MANSION  
  
The whole group falls into a large room. All land in a large pile on Beth.  
  
Beth: (mumbles)  
  
Vincent: What did she say?  
  
Nanaki: I think she said (Mumbles)  
  
Cloud: Where is Aeris?  
  
Aeris: Ouch....  
  
Tifa: WHOSE HAND IS THAT??  
  
Cid: Sorr...   
  
Tifa: (smacks at Cid)  
  
Nanaki: That hit me!!!  
  
Cait Sith: Something is poking me...  
  
Barret: I thought that was Aeris!!  
  
Cait Sith: Gross....  
  
Aeris: GROSS!! (Smacks at Barret)  
  
Vincent: OUCH!!!  
  
Nanaki: This is just like one big Gang BANG!  
  
Beth: (grumbles and kicks)  
  
Vincent: (groans) OUCH!  
  
Aeris: Sorry...  
  
Nanaki: Ouch, that is my foot  
  
Barret: Don't you mean your paw?  
  
Beth: (mumbles)  
  
Tifa: Who is THAT??  
  
Cid: Uh... sorry (moves his hand)  
  
Cloud: Cid!! Move your hand from my...  
  
Aeris: (SLAP) WHO IS THAT??  
  
Cait Sith: Ouch!  
  
Aeris: Sorry Cait!  
  
Cid: SOMEONE BIT ME!!  
  
Nanaki: Yuck! Camel's again!  
  
Cid: Salem!  
  
Nanaki: Camels!  
  
Cid: Salem!  
  
Tifa: SHUT UP!! (kicks)  
  
Cloud: Tifa.... (high pitched squeak) that... hurt...  
  
Tifa: sorry Cloud...  
  
Beth: (mumbles)  
  
Vincent: (moves his arm to uncover Beth's mouth) What did you say?  
  
Beth: I said Vincent, That better be you GUN!!  
  
Vincent: Uh... (sly smile) If that is what YOU want to call it...  
  
Cid: Well, it does shoot!   
  
Beth: VIN-CENT!!! (smack)  
  
Nanaki: Ouch!!  
  
Beth: Sorry!!  
  
Vincent: (laughs)  
  
Beth: Tell me that is someone's weapon! Like a trident or something....  
  
Cid: It's mine... but I don't think THAT is my trident... (winks)  
  
Beth: (shudders) Gross....  
  
Yuffie: Double Grossness!  
  
Cloud: Where are we? (Looks around)  
  
Beth: We are-ouch... would you watch your tail Nanaki????- at the new and improved Shinra Mansion..  
  
Nanaki: Sorry...  
  
Cloud: Shin-Ra Mansion??  
  
Beth: Now the AVALANCHE mansion  
  
Vincent: Doesn't LOOK too dingy....  
  
Beth: Had it redone... it's very nice now...  
  
Tifa: Really?  
  
Beth: Yeah...  
  
Cait Sith: One question though...  
  
Beth: sure... (elbows at someone)  
  
Cloud: Ouch.... ow....  
  
Beth: Sorry... (whispers) not  
  
Cait Sith: Why are we still in a PILE!!!  
  
Beth: Let me UP!!!  
  
Everyone gets up  
  
Beth: Lets all sit down at this table and talk for a while...  
  
Everyone sits down at a large table.  
  
Beth: (sits down at the head of the table with others around her)  
  
Tifa: This is a really nice place...  
  
Beth: It took some work... but everyone has their own room and bathroom...  
  
Nanaki: What about that library?   
  
Beth: It now has almost every book that doesn't have anything to do with Shin-Ra!  
  
Cloud: But what about the really long twisting stair case down there?  
  
Beth: Oh, that is a slide and I installed an elevator too.  
  
Cait Sith: A slide??? Cool...  
  
Beth: Yeah, we also have a huge kitchen, a large family room, complete with super large Plasma television screen and PS2...  
  
Barret: Sorry to interrupt, but do you have FFX-2?   
  
Beth: Yes...  
  
Barret: Cool!!  
  
Beth: We have a fully stocked bar over here... (points) and most of the bedrooms are upstairs!  
  
Vincent:... I am sorry Beth... but where is.... my room?  
  
Beth: Where do you want your room?  
  
Vincent: Down in the basement?  
  
Beth: Okay, that's where your room is then..., but I did clean it up... it was a mess...  
  
Vincent: O..... kay.....  
  
Beth: We are now sitting in what is the dinning room...   
  
All: Nice, wonderful...oh, look at that... ohh... ahh....  
  
Beth: And for dinner tonight....   
  
Cloud: (singing) Da da daa daaaaaaaaaaa!!!  
  
Cid: (smacks Cloud)  
  
Beth: Head Hunter steak!!  
  
Cloud: uh... (holds head) no thanks... (still all recovering from the head hunters attacking him)  
  
Barret: I am going to play FFX-2 now... (Goes into the family room) WOW!! That is one big, god damned mother fucking Television!!!  
  
Beth: It's, I think, a 110 inches...  
  
Barret: COOL! You even have Dance Dance Revolution Max... and the other two!  
  
Beth: And two steel dance pads...  
  
Barret: Awesome.  
  
Nanaki: I am going down to the library to study...  
  
Beth: that is also your bedroom... you will find it very nice there indeed, Red... or should I call you Nanaki?  
  
Nanaki: Either is fine....  
  
Tifa: (walks into the bar room) Boy this is nice!! A lounge too, complete with red crushed velvet sofas...  
  
Beth: And almost every liquor known to man in there...  
  
Aeris: Beth... where is my room?  
  
Beth: Oh... in the back, you have a lovely view of the back garden...  
  
Aeris: Garden? Oh boy!! (goes to check her room out)  
  
Cid: where is my room? I need more cigarettes!!   
  
Beth: Upstairs down the hall... can't miss it...  
  
Cid: (runs upstairs)  
  
Beth: Yuffie... could you go and get the paper?  
  
Yuffie: Sure... (goes and retrieves the paper)  
  
Beth: Thanks... (takes the paper and unfolds it)  
  
Yuffie: Beth....  
  
Beth: (Points) Upstairs, third level... can't miss it....  
  
Vincent: I am going to check out my room...   
  
Beth: Don't forget about the....  
  
Vincent: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Beth: Slide... (sighs and goes back to her paper)  
  
Cid: (silently walks from his room to the bar, a cigarette in his mouth)  
  
Cloud: where is my room?  
  
Beth: Oh, upstairs... to the left.... I took the liberty of decoration it for you!  
  
Cloud: Okay... I am going upstairs now.... (skips and hums up the stairs)  
  
Cid: (holding a drink) Pansy ass!!  
  
Beth: There are four other inhabitants to this humble abode... (smiles) They will be here in a few days...  
  
Nobody heard her, they all went off...  
  
Beth: (goes back to reading the paper)  
  
(After a while from reading the paper)  
  
Beth: GUYS!!!  
  
Nobody hears her...  
  
Beth: Grr.... (sprays some mist in her mouth) A-hem.... AVALANCHE!!!  
  
Everyone runs into the dinning room and all over each other to get to hear Beth  
  
Cloud: What is it??  
  
Beth: (shows them front page) Shinra is rebuilt and they are up to no good!!  
  
Aeris: This is so god damn cliche!  
  
Cid: (coughs) Mary Sue!  
  
Beth: I am NOT!  
  
Cait Sith: Uh.... um.... (hums)   
  
Barret: Great dat damn Shinra is going to do Sum'thin' horrible. Let's raid the place!!  
  
Cid: WAAAAIIITTT!!!  
  
Beth: Yes?   
  
Cid: Where is the BATHROOM??  
  
Tifa: One too many Cosmopolitans?   
  
Cid: They where Vodkas!!  
  
Beth: (giggles) Sure...  
  
Cid: But where is the....  
  
Beth: (points) There...  
  
Cid: (Disappears into the bathroom)  
  
Everyone waits around and just glares at each other silently.  
  
Beth taps foot and looks at her watch. Looks at everyone else too.  
  
After a few minutes Cid returns.  
  
Cloud: Now, lets beat feet and skedaddle..  
  
Cid: (grabs Cloud by the throat)  
  
Tifa: (kicks Cloud)  
  
Cid: Thanks Tifa!  
  
Cloud: (shaken up) Lets GO!!  
  
They all run out of the house and pile into the highwind.  
  
Cloud: Tally-ho!!!! AWAY WE GO!!  
  
Cid: (Kicks the shit out of Cloud) 


	3. Session Three

I am so friggin' cliche about this damn thing, I don't believe that I wrote this a year ago. It's horrible! (Anybody out there think that some parts are funny at least?)  
  
Chapter 3   
  
Lies and Ties  
  
Seventh Floor of the Shin-Ra building, Rufus, Reeve and Palmer are all sitting around a table talking.  
  
Rufus: (putting a jigsaw puzzle together on his desk)  
  
Reeve: What did you call us for sir??  
  
Rufus: Hojo is suppose to make a new machine... but we need something for it...  
  
Palmer: yes sir??  
  
Rufus: We need the Turks to help up, Palmer... call for them...  
  
Palmer: (walks over to piano and hits a key) mi... mi... mi...miiiiiiii!!!!!!!! A-hem..... TU-RKSS!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The Turks run in and pile over each other, knocking over Rufus's puzzle in the process....  
  
Rufus: I was almost done with that!! It took me three months!  
  
Palmer: How long was it suppose to take?  
  
Rufus: The box said seven to eight years...  
  
Palmer: Uh... Good job sir!!  
  
Reno: Reporting for duty SIR!!  
  
Rude: Yes!! (eats his last bite of hot pocket)  
  
Tseng: HERE WE ARE!!!!!!  
  
Elena: Ta-DA!!  
  
Rufus: (Thinking: Idiots!) I need you to go get something for Hojo....  
  
Tseng: yes Sir??  
  
Just then AVALANCHE busts into the door  
  
Cloud: Hi Girlfriends!!!  
  
Tifa: (kicks Cloud)  
  
Cloud: I mean... er... RUFUS!!!  
  
Barret: Tell us about this new MACHINE!!  
  
Reeve: He will NOT!  
  
Rufus: This machine runs on a special kind of materia that is SO rare, there is only one of it, and I don't know where it is yet.  
  
Cloud: A Materia!  
  
Yuffie: (starry eyed) A MATERIA!?!!  
  
Rufus: yes, a materia...  
  
Cid: We should find it before they do!  
  
Palmer: (whispering) Sir... these guys could get us the materia we need...and without them knowing it...  
  
Rufus: True.... A-hem... Oh, darn... if you guys get this special (winks at Palmer) materia before we do... we won't have the new machine AND it will mean the end of Shin-Ra!  
  
Elena: Vincent Valentine? Former Turk?  
  
Vincent: yes... I am now a member of AVALANCHE!  
  
Beth: (looks at Elena)  
  
Elena: (stars for eyes)  
  
Beth: (grumbles a little under her breathe)  
  
Cloud: Where can we find this new materia??  
  
Rufus: that's just it... it isn't traceable... it is hidden...  
  
Beth: Hmm...How do I know you just aren't LYING to try to get us to bring you the materia??  
  
Nanaki: Yeah!!  
  
Beth: (growls) Back off... he isn't on YOUR side....  
  
Elena: Anymore....  
  
Reno: Neither are YOU!  
  
Beth: (grumbles)  
  
Rufus: Because I am not...  
  
Reeve: He IS....  
  
Rufus: (glares at Reeve)   
  
Reeve: NOT! (Smiles)  
  
Cloud: Okay, so let's go track down this new materia!!! Let's run like little school girls!!  
  
Beth: (glances at Cid)   
  
Cid: (decks Cloud)  
  
Cloud: AWAY WE GO!!! (runs out)  
  
The rest of the group runs after him.  
  
Somewhere outside of Midgar...  
  
Cloud: Now, where could a materia be?  
  
Aeris: Cloud!  
  
Cloud: Not in Midgar...  
  
Aeris: Cloud!  
  
Cloud: Maybe in Watui...  
  
Aeris: CLOUD!  
  
Cloud: or in the crater....  
  
Beth and Aeris together scream: CLOUD!!  
  
Cloud: You say something?  
  
Beth: Aeris and I think that we are on a wild goose chase!  
  
Aeris: We don't even know what KIND of materia this is!!  
  
Tifa: Yeah, it could be dangerous!  
  
Barret: I say we should go to.... Watui! Yuffie may have something about that in a book somewhere...  
  
Cloud: Then let's scram Sam!  
  
Cid: (sigh)  
  
Cloud: (looks at Cid) err....  
  
Cid: (starts to chase after Cloud)  
  
Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud: (Runs right into Sephiroth) Seph- eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee AAAHHHHHHHHHH dddduuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.................. (falls over in a deeply retarded state of mind)  
  
Beth: (looks at Tifa) Does he always do this?  
  
Tifa: When Sephiroth is around...  
  
Beth: Then... how did you guys save the planet?  
  
Aeris: Beats me...  
  
Barret: OKAY! (Beats Aeris)  
  
Aeris: I was joking!!! (Being Beaten)  
  
Sephiroth:... what are we up to today?  
  
Beth: (shrugs) Same old same old....  
  
Cid: Same old Fan.... same old Fiction!  
  
Beth: (glares at Cid) What did you say?  
  
Cid: (scared) Nothing!  
  
Aeris: (hits her Great Gospel Limit Break and uses it on Barret)  
  
Barret: (looks up... screams like a little girl)  
  
Five angels fall down onto the ground and start kicking Barret.  
  
Barret: (on ground now, with five angels kicking him mercilessly) MAKE THEM STOP!!!  
  
Aeris: I said I was joking!  
  
Sephiroth: Ah, so.... what are you doing today?  
  
Cid: We are going to find the rarest of rare materia!  
  
Beth: If we even know what it looks like or where it is....  
  
Nanaki: We were going to Yuffie's house to find out some information.  
  
Beth: Now, SHOO!! (shoos)  
  
Sephiroth: That isn't such a good idea.... (POOF! He disappears)  
  
Beth: Cool....  
  
The angels give up on the bloody Barret and fly off.  
  
Barret: Ouch... my..... spleen......  
  
Cloud: (snaps out of his state) HEY! Let's get going to Yuffie's house!  
  
They arrive at Yuffie's house and look in the basement.  
  
Aeris: Books.... nothing on new and undiscovered materia in here....  
  
Barret: Nothing here....  
  
Cloud: (pulls lever) Maybe something behind this lever....  
  
Everyone but Cloud and Yuffie are locked in the gate. Yuffie giggles.  
  
Nanaki: (as Ysma, From Emperor's New Groove) Pull the lever Cronk! ..................  
  
Cid: (as Ysma) Wwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooonnnnnnnnnngggggggg llllllllllllllleeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Aeris: (looking around, not thinking about it but sounds like Ysma) Why do we even HAVE that lever?  
  
Yuffie: CAN'T CATCH ME!!!!!!!! (runs off)  
  
Cloud: (not paying attention) wonder what that did...  
  
Beth: Cloud!!  
  
Barret: SPIKE!! HELP!!!  
  
Nanaki: Get us OUTTA here....  
  
Vincent: (mumbles)  
  
Beth: (looks down to see Vincent's face against her chest) AHH!!! (wants to use a materia)  
  
Barret: HEY!!!  
  
Cloud: (pulls the lever again)   
  
Everyone is freed.  
  
Beth: Our materia is gone....  
  
Cid: I don't have anything...  
  
Cait Sith: Me either.... even the two I made; the one out of ham is gone, so is the one I made out my own, Reeve's, frozen spe--  
  
Beth: (glares at Cait) don't finish that....  
  
Barret: Me too!!  
  
Aeris: Yuffie Stole our materia AGAIN!!  
  
Tifa: No shit Sherlock, how long did it TAKE YOU TO FUCKING FIGURE THAT OUT!  
  
Aeris: Tifa, here... (hands her some Midol) I needed it this morning too!  
  
Tifa: (grabs the bottle and swallows the whole thing) Tasty.  
  
Nanaki: Does anyone have ANY materia LEFT!!??  
  
Cloud: I have the HP-MP Materia!! (equips it)  
  
Beth: Don't do that!!!  
  
Cloud: WHY??  
  
Cid: (trips Cloud)  
  
Cloud: (falls on his face, dies)  
  
Beth: THAT is why....  
  
Cid: (laughing) Cool...  
  
Nanaki: (Uses a Phoenix down on Cloud)  
  
Beth: Let's go back to the mansion!  
  
Cloud: To the Fairy FLYER!!!  
  
Vincent: (smacks Cloud)  
  
Cloud: (dies)  
  
Beth: (sigh)  
  
Cloud: (jumps alive)  
  
Beth: I had too.... we may run out of Phoenix down on his stupid ass!  
  
Tifa: (sighs) Okay... Let's go!!  
  
Beth: (sighs) Yes, Let's.....  
  
Getting out of the Highwind, Cloud falls and dies  
  
Red: Oh brother... (casts Life2 on him)  
  
Cloud: where did you get the life materia?  
  
Red: Hmm? Oh.... uh?  
  
Cid: Take that DAMN Materia from Cloud!!!  
  
Beth: No, it's rather amusing! Let's leave it on him...  
  
Tifa: He may take it off himself!!  
  
Barret: Like that will ever happen.. 


	4. Session Four

Chapter Four  
  
Game Night?  
  
A/N: I am not going to say anything right now, I am just going to let this continue...  
  
Back at the Mansion, in the bar!  
  
Tifa: I think we need to get our materia back... (serving drinks)  
  
Cloud: AND find that materia... then go back to Shinra to gloat about distroying the company... AGAIN... (takes his drink from Tifa)  
  
Cid: What are you drinking?  
  
Cloud: Mai Tai super... with Strawberry Puree...  
  
Cid: (coughs out) Pansy!!  
  
Beth: Cid... (takes her drink) YOU drink cosmopolitans!!  
  
Cid: (takes his Cosmopolitans) what?!! It's good!!  
  
Beth: (coughs) PANSY!!!  
  
Vincent: (taking a vodka with cranberry juice mix) what are you drinking Beth?   
  
Beth: (glances at Aeris) That's a line I have heard before...  
  
Aeris: (sipping some wine and nods) yeah...  
  
Vincent: I am not trying to pick you up! I am just asking....  
  
Beth: Oh, well... I am drinking a rum and coke...  
  
Vincent: (glares at Cid and Cloud) Her drinks are manlier than YOURS!!  
  
Cloud: They are NOT!!!  
  
Cait Sith: (sipping water) I think that Rufus was fibbing to us...  
  
Red: (takes his whiskey) Maybe...  
  
Vincent: ARE TOO!  
  
Cid: Are NOT Are NOT!!!  
  
Tifa: (sits down and smiles, sipping wine)  
  
Vincent: Are too....   
  
Barret: (gulping down his beer) I think that we NEED to find YUFFIE!!  
  
Beth: Yeah...  
  
Cid: ARE NOT  
  
Vincent: ARE TO!!!!!!   
  
Cid: Are not!  
  
Vincent: Are TOO!  
  
Cid: ARE NOT!!!  
  
Aeris: Oh will you guys just SHUT UP? (Finding Nemo rip off!)  
  
Cloud: (finishes his drink) OHHHHH.......  
  
Nanaki: (gulps his whiskey) we need to find where could Yuffie be...  
  
Cid: Where in the world is Yuffie...  
  
Rockapella: (singing) Where in the world is... UGH! Yuffie!!!  
  
Cid: (looking around) Where is that singing coming from??  
  
Beth: (ignoring singing) well.... where is the logical choice?  
  
Cloud: uh..... (falls on Tifa's bosom) I need a nap...   
  
Tifa: (growls) Hey, Cloud... Still have the MP-HP Materia equipped?   
  
Cloud: (looking up at her) Yes... wh-  
  
Tifa: (flicks Cloud in the nose)  
  
Cloud: (dies)  
  
Red: (laughs)  
  
Barret: (spits his beer all over Cait Sith, laughing hard)  
  
Cait Sith: Damn... it takes forever to dry clean this mog!   
  
Cid: (falls out of his chair laughing)  
  
Beth: (giggles)  
  
Vincent: (cracks a smile)  
  
Beth: (looks at Tifa) Your right, that is good for comic relief!!!  
  
Tifa: You said it...  
  
Beth: I did??  
  
Tifa: (pulls out script and looks through it) Yep... you did....  
  
Beth: Okay....  
  
Red: (casts Life2 again)  
  
Barret: Where the fuck did e git dat materia? I thou' tha' Yuffie went n' stole ours!  
  
Nanaki: (shrugs)  
  
Vincent: (pours himself another drink) Well, it's late... what do you say we turn in?  
  
Beth: (half-drunk) let's play a game!!!  
  
All (all of which are either half drunk themselves or are all drunk): Sure... okay.....  
  
Beth: (giggles) I know just the game for us!  
  
Cid: Yeah???  
  
Beth: Monopoly!!! (pulls it out of her magic bag) Final Fantasy VII style!!!  
  
Cloud: YEAH!! I call dibs on the dog! I want to be the dog!!   
  
Beth: No! I do!  
  
Cloud: I do!!  
  
Beth: I DO!!!  
  
Cloud: I DO!!  
  
Beth: I DO!!!!!  
  
Cloud: ME!!!  
  
Beth: (pulls out Chibi Hammer and smashes Cloud)  
  
Chibi Cloud: On second thought.... I will be the top hat.....  
  
Beth: (smashes Cloud again with hammer)   
  
Cloud: (back to normal) Okay....  
  
Cid: I will be banker...  
  
Barret: Oh no... I know about all those interest free' loans you give yourself...  
  
Cid: WELL??? what about YOUR banker's tax???   
  
Aries: what about me being banker??   
  
Cloud: I WANNA BE THE BANKER!!!   
  
Cid: No ME!!!  
  
Cloud: ME!  
  
Beth: I know what we need...  
  
Everyone: yeah? What?? What is it????  
  
Beth: We need a generic banker dude...  
  
Generic Banker Dude: (appears) Hello!  
  
Beth: Now... let's play...  
  
Tifa: I know what!  
  
Beth: What???  
  
Tifa: Let's put a wager on this game...  
  
Beth: Okay...  
  
Barret: What's the wager?  
  
Tifa: The first two that go bankrupt have to share a bed for the night.  
  
Beth: Oh, brother... (sighs) As long as I don't be the first to loose... I agree.  
  
Everyone else agrees too.  
  
(About an hour later)   
  
Beth: I lost...  
  
Cloud: You owe me your North Crater...  
  
Beth: (hands it to him) I am bankrupt now... (sighs)  
  
Aeris: Sorry Beth...  
  
Cloud: She landed on my Midgar.... I had a hotel on it...  
  
Beth: (sighs) Doesn't matter... (thinking why the fuck did I agree with this smiles)  
  
Cid: Doubles!! (moves his play piece)  
  
(A little later)  
  
Cloud: (smiles) Roll a seven... roll a seven...  
  
Vincent: (rolls the dice)   
  
Cloud: YES!!!!!!   
  
Vincent: (reluctantly places his play piece on Midgar with a hotel on it) I... can't pay....  
  
Cloud: Yes... (starts dancing the funky chicken)  
  
A chocobo runs into the Mansion and pecks the crap out of Cloud  
  
Cloud: Ouch..... owie....... ouch.......... ow.......ow........ow.......(dies)  
  
Vincent: I can.... not.... pay.......... ah, more... nightmares.... will come to me....  
  
Cid: SHUT UP YOU FUCKING VAMPIRE!!! NOBODY CARES!!  
  
Beth: (smacks Cid) I care.......... oops........ um....   
  
Vincent: (grows quiet)  
  
Tifa: You lost... Vincent, you are bankrupt....  
  
Beth: WHAT?? NO!!!!  
  
Nanaki: (casts Life2 on Cloud again)  
  
Cid: Where do you hide that damn thing?  
  
Nanaki: (shrugs)  
  
Tifa: You agreed...  
  
Beth: Yes, I did.... but that isn't fair...  
  
Vincent: I beg your pardon...  
  
Beth: I am sorry Vincent, I am sure that your coffin IS nice and cozy for ONE person... but there is no way that I am sleeping in there... NOT HAPPENING!!! (holds her head in her hands) Why did I do that...  
  
Vincent: sins... all sins.... sins... sins.....   
  
At the end of the night, the group members go off to different rooms. Vincent and Beth goes down to Vincent's coffin; Aeris and Nanaki go down to Nanaki's room; Cloud and Tifa go off to Tifa's room and Cid and Barret, reluctantly, go off to Barret's room. Barret keeps his gun arm locked and loaded the entire night. 


	5. Session Five

Chapter Five  
  
Another Pointless funny Chapter  
  
Beth: (waking up in coffin the next morning) WHAT??? LET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I AM NOT DEAD YET!!!!!!!!! (sits up fast and smacks her head on the coffin's lid, falls back) OUCH!!! (holds her slightly bleeding head) Man! A hangover headache wasn't bad enough....  
  
Vincent: (laying beside her) You aren't dead....  
  
Beth: (remembering) ohhhhhhh...... yeah.... sorry Vincent....  
  
Vincent: (smiles warmly) don't worry about it  
  
Beth: Good MORNING!  
  
Vincent: yeah....  
  
Beth: (smiling) that wasn't so bad....  
  
Vincent: I didn't..... have nightmares..... last night.....  
  
Beth: Hmmm? Oh? See... I told you.... (yawns) Well, it's time for breakfast... (goes to open lid)  
  
Vincent: Wait....(grabs her arm) did YOU have something to do with my nightmare-less night?? Hmmm?  
  
Beth: Not that I know of... (jumps out of the coffin)  
  
Upstairs Everyone else is getting ready for breakfast, minus Beth, Vincent, and Cloud.  
  
Barret runs by the kitchen where the women are making breakfast.   
  
Barret: (screaming) Ladies and Gentlemen! Mr. Excitement!  
  
Cid: (walks by, half asleep and with a cig hanging out of his mouth, scratching his rear) I reckon it might rain today, unless the sun comes out of course... (Cid walks into the living room)  
  
Barret: Go back to your homes, Mr. Excitment has spoken!  
  
Tifa is making eggs for breakfast.  
  
Cloud: (runs downstairs and into the kitchen) Good morning Tifa! (Grabs her and kisses her)  
  
Tifa: (caught off guard)  
  
Aries: (scrambling eggs) ohhhhhhh.......  
  
Red: (in the living room watching Barret play FFX-2)  
  
Barret: AH! COOL!!! THAT IS SO COOL! The boobs look so real!  
  
Red: Don't they? Watch this!  
  
Barret: Awesome, they even jiggle!  
  
Beth: (walks upstairs) Morning! (Goes into the kitchen to help with the breakfast)  
  
Tifa: (blushing after her good morning kiss)  
  
Aries: (spooning eggs into a dish) Morning... how was your night?  
  
Beth: (holding her head) I woke up too fast... but it was good...  
  
Aries: Vincent... didn't....  
  
Beth: No... (walks over and starts to fry some bacon)  
  
Tifa: (chopping potatoes for hash browns)  
  
The women fix breakfast  
  
Vincent: (comes walking out of the elevator, smiling)  
  
Tifa: (sees Vincent smiling) Beth... why is Vince SMILING????  
  
Beth: Oh, he didn't have nightmares last night, that's what he told me....  
  
Tifa: Su-re......  
  
Beth: AND why is Cloud so damn happy today??  
  
Tifa: Uh.... no reason?  
  
Beth and Aeris: SURE!!!!!  
  
Beth: BREAKFAST!!!!  
  
The gang runs in and sits down at the table  
  
Cid: Uh... why are there three extra spots set on the table...  
  
Beth: We are expecting some company...  
  
Cloud: Uh... who???  
  
Beth: Shera, Zak and.... (smiles) Kukarui....  
  
Red: Who?  
  
Beth: Nanaki... Kukarui is....  
  
The doorbell rings  
  
Beth: Here.... (she gets up and walks to the front door)  
  
The three new residents walk into the room...  
  
Beth: You all know Shera, and Zak, and allow me to introduce to you Kukarui... (she steps aside to show a female of Red's speices)  
  
Red: Uh..... hello (walks over to Kukarui)   
  
Kukarui: Hello!!! (smiles)  
  
Cid: (gets up and walks over to Shera) Hello... (hides a smile)  
  
Aries: ZAK!!! (jumps up and runs to give Zak a hug)  
  
Zak: Aries!!!!  
  
Shera: Hello (hugs Cid)  
  
Cid: (hugs back)  
  
They all sit down and talk about their materia.  
  
Aeris: About our materia...  
  
Beth: (thinking) Is there a damn echo in here?  
  
Cloud: We need to get it back...  
  
Tifa: Yeah...(snuggles next to Cloud)  
  
Beth: We need to find Yuffie first!!!  
  
Cid: (sitting next to Shera) Shera said she thinks she saw Yuffie heading towards Junon...  
  
Red: (smiling) yeah... that would be logical...  
  
Cloud: Maybe she... well....  
  
Aries: (pouring more coffee for Zak) Maybe she went to the new mall in Costa Del Sol.... it sells and buys materia!  
  
Cait Sith: Yeah, it's a nice mall....  
  
Zak: I heard about that... it's suppose to be really nice...  
  
Beth: Shall we go?  
  
Vincent: (sitting over in his corner seat, away from all the others) hmm.... (keeping his eye on Beth)  
  
The women clean up the breakfast mess as the guys pack up the Highwind...  
  
Beth: Let's go!  
  
Cait Sith: (jumps in)  
  
Cloud: To Costa Del Sol... (helps Tifa into the Highwind)  
  
Tifa: (looks at the look that Beth and Aries are giving her) What???  
  
Beth: Oh, nothing  
  
Aries: Nothing at all..... (looks at Beth and whispers) he got some...  
  
Beth: Ohhhhhhh yeah....  
  
Shera: This is so cool...  
  
Cid: Shera, I am going to let you steer for a while....  
  
Shera: Oh, so cool.... Thank you!!! (hugs Cid)  
  
Beth: (smiles at Aries) Cid's GONNA get some...  
  
Aries: he's smitten... how cute!  
  
Nanaki and Kukarui walk onto the ship next, tails intertwined...  
  
Beth: (smiling and singing under her breath) matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match.....   
  
Aries: You are a matchmaker....   
  
Zak: (takes Aries by the arm and walks her onto the Highwind)  
  
Beth: (sighs and walks onto the ship) A match for everyone.... well ALMOST everyone.....  
  
Vincent: (walks out last and sees Beth) .... (he goes to say something, but hesitates) ...... (gets onto the Ship and the door closes behind him)  
  
(At the newly built Costa Del Sol mall)  
  
Tifa: (looking around) Shoe World... Dress World... Armor World... Globe World.... Book World...  
  
Uh... is there nothing in this place not named World??  
  
Aries: Uh... Materia Planet!!!  
  
Cloud: And Materia World...  
  
Red: Uh... There is also a Materia Mansion....  
  
Beth: Okay... we should split up...  
  
Cloud: You, you, you and you go that way.... (not pointing at all) You, you and you go that way...  
  
And you and you go that way.... (still not pointing)  
  
Tifa: Okay....  
  
Barret.... WHY DOES HE DO THIS????  
  
Red: I can smell it out with my nose! Yuffie I mean!  
  
The group follows Red for a while.  
  
Red: (thinking) Why am I doing this? I can't smell a damn thing.  
  
Cloud: I give up!  
  
Barret: Damn you! (Hits Cloud)  
  
Cloud: (dies)   
  
Red: (uses Cure 2)   
  
Cid: Where the hell do ya keep dat fuckin' materia? Ya dumb dog tang?  
  
Red: (shrugs)  
  
Beth: Vincent and I will go to Materia Mansion.... Red and Kukarui... and Aries and Zak can go to Materia Planet.... Barret, Cid, Shera and Tifa and Cloud can go to Materia World, as for Cait Sith.... he can go to the food court and keep an eye out there....   
  
Cait Sith: What for??   
  
Beth: For Yuffie, she has to eat too you know....  
  
Cait Sith: Oh, sure!! Trying to ditch me you know!  
  
Beth: We should call on the PHS if we see anything....  
  
They all run off...  
  
Beth: Hey Barret!! Wait!!  
  
Barret: (stops and walks to Beth) Yeah??  
  
Beth: I know you worry about Marlene...   
  
Barret: Yeah... I am... my littl' babe....  
  
Beth: she will be at the mansion soon, I had to let her finish the school year at her school in the slums... she wanted to say goodbye to her friends there...  
  
Barret: (surprised) You mean.... I get.... my daughter???   
  
Beth: Yep...Now, let's go find Yuffie!!  
  
Barret: Yes!!! (runs off after his group)  
  
Vincent: Why is it just us two?  
  
Beth: ..........  
  
Vincent:......... (starts walking towards the Materia Mansion)  
  
Beth: (opens her mouth to say something, but stops herself from saying it).... let's find Yuffie... (follows after Vincent)  
  
Cloud: Oh... wow.... would you look at all those nice.... rings..... (thinking as he walks by the jewelry World)   
  
Tifa: You say something Cloud?  
  
Cloud: Uh... no....  
  
Cid: (smirks)  
  
Tifa: Well... there is the Materia World....  
  
Shera: (giggles)  
  
Tifa: what??  
  
Cloud: (whistles)  
  
Shera: Oh, nothing... nothing at all....  
  
Cid: Shera, let's go look over here...  
  
Shera: Okay, honey....  
  
Cloud: We will call you guys if we find her!!  
  
Red: Hmmm.... which way do we turn?  
  
Kukarui: I think we go this way...  
  
Aeris: No, I think we go over here....  
  
Zak: Hey guys....  
  
They all turn to see the Materia Planet right in front of them  
  
Aeris: Uh, thanks Zak!!!  
  
Red: We are going to find Cloud!!  
  
Blue: yeah... good luck guys!!!  
  
At the Food court  
  
Cait Sith: (sipping a cola and eating a cookie) where could Yuffie be??? Maybe I will go play some games at the game arcade.... COOL! They have DDR here!  
  
Vincent: Let's go into Materia Mansion...  
  
Beth: Hey!! I hear something...  
  
Yuffie:(inside the store) I had to risk my very SKIN to get all this materia, so I want all those master materia.... Fifty boxes of Laffy Taffy, and 300,000 gil please... oh, and a super large dildo too!!!  
  
Shop owner: Oh, brother.... you're sick!  
  
Yuffie: Hey BUB! I can go elsewhere you know!! There are plenty of other stores around here.... that WILL buy my materia.  
  
Beth: (walks up behind Yuffie) YOUR materia?? How about OUR materia??? Thief???  
  
Yuffie: Uh... Gotta run!!! (tries to run out of the store... runs into Vincent, she drops a few materias)  
  
Vincent: Return our materia!!!  
  
Beth: (thinking fast, grabs a Time materia and Slows Yuffie) Ah....  
  
Vincent: (grabs it from her and casts Haste on them both) AHHHH!!  
  
Beth: (takes off after Yuffie)  
  
Yuffie: (casts Haste twice on herself) Can't catch MEEEE!!!!! (speeds off)  
  
Beth: (jumping on the PHS) CLOUD!! Yuffie is heading towards you!!!! Keep an eye out for her... she is in Haste.... (still running after her)  
  
Vincent: (following Beth)   
  
Cloud: OKAY!!!   
  
Tifa: what???   
  
Cloud: Yuffie is on her way here... let's hide!!  
  
Tifa: hey Red, Hi Blue! Yuffie is coming our way  
  
Cloud: let's HIDE!!  
  
Red: Okay!!!  
  
The four hide from her  
  
Blue is the scout.  
  
Blue: I see her, here she comes!!!  
  
Yuffie: (Steps on Blue's tail)   
  
Blue: AaaaaaaaaaYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Yuffie: RED!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING....  
  
Red: (jumps out)  
  
Yuffie: AHH!!! Hojo cloned RED!!! (Turns to run)  
  
Tifa: (tackles Yuffie)  
  
Beth: (running behind Yuffie) Tifa!!! Look out!!! (casts Stop on Yuffie)  
  
Yuffie: (dodges and the spell doesn't hit Yuffie, it hits Vincent) ha ha haaa!!!  
  
Beth: DARN!!! (Stops to look at the frozen Vincent)  
  
Vincent: (frozen)  
  
Beth: (sighs and he is unstopped)  
  
Vincent: Uh... thanks...  
  
Yuffie: (runs into the store)  
  
Blue: (bites the bag, tearing a hole into it, a few materias fall out)  
  
Yuffie: (turns around and hits Cloud with the bag)  
  
Cloud: (dies)  
  
Tifa: Of all the times....  
  
They all turn to Cloud, ignoring Yuffie... and she is gone again...  
  
Beth: (grabs PHS) Cid!! Yuffie should be coming towards you guys any second now!!!  
  
Cid: Okay....  
  
Shera: What??  
  
Cid: They found Yuffie...  
  
Shera: And?  
  
Cid: Here she comes now....  
  
Yuffie: (stops dead in her tracks) OHHHHH!!!!  
  
The others run behind her, blocking her path  
  
Beth: Yuffie.... give back the materia....  
  
Yuffie: NEVER!!!(prepares herself for battle)  
  
Beth: (sighs) YUFFIE!!!  
  
Yuffie: (attacks Beth)  
  
Beth: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: HEY!!! GET AWAY FROM HER!!!! (pulls out his Death Penalty)  
  
Blue: (jumps on Yuffie to get her off)  
  
Red: (jumps on Yuffie too)  
  
Yuffie: (is gone)  
  
Beth: (stands up, brushing herself off) Where did Yuffie go?  
  
Cloud: (grabbing a bag of materia) Well, the materia is still here....  
  
Red: (hiccup) oopsie....   
  
Blue: What dear?  
  
Red: (opens mouth wide)  
  
Yuffie: (echoing) It's dark in here... where's a flashlight? (Turns on a flashlight and Red's eyes light up) GROSS!!! I am inside a DOG!!!   
  
Red: I got carried away....  
  
Cid: Need something for heartburn?  
  
Barret: At least we got our materia back (comes walking up)  
  
Beth: (looks at Vincent) Vince... you... tired to protect me didn't you?  
  
Vincent:... ...... (quickly puts gun away)  
  
Beth: didn't you?  
  
Vincent: (smiling a little) She was going to hurt you......  
  
Cloud: Let's equip our materia!!!  
  
Tifa: thank you, Mr. Obvious.....   
  
Cid: When did Cloud become an Obvious, I though his last name was Strife?  
  
They spend several minutes equipping the materia for themselves...   
  
Beth: I think we could split up and do some shopping...   
  
Cloud: What's the next holiday??  
  
Tifa: Christmas in two weeks....  
  
Cloud: (jumps up and down like a kid) I want to go see SANTA!  
  
Beth: Right, we need presents for everyone....   
  
Barret: I think we should meet up for lunch in two hours and talk from there....  
  
Beth: right....  
  
They go their separate ways, Red and Blue sit for a while...  
  
Red: (burp) ohh.... this is bad....  
  
Blue: You were very brave and very nice....  
  
Red: Really? (Burp)  
  
(A/N: Just for future references, Kukarui's nickname is Blue; and of course Nanaki's nickname is Red... thank you)  
  
Beth: (goes shopping at the Chocobo World) hmmm.... this for Cloud.... (then she goes to the Dress World) This for Tifa.... and this for Aeris... oh, they need shoes too.... (goes to Shoe World to get them matching shoes) Ah..... (goes into Book World) this.... and this..... and this too for Red..... (goes into the Food World) This for Barret.... and something for Marlene..... and something else for Cloud.... (smiling, toting her bags too the next store) DIAMOND WORLD!!! (spies Cloud with Cid and..... Vincent? In the store) hmmm..... (listens in)  
  
Cloud: What do you guys think of this one???  
  
Cid: Tifa'll LOVE that one...  
  
Vincent: She does like dolphins so...  
  
Cloud: But.... I... don't know, does it say "Marry me?"  
  
Beth: (gasps)  
  
Vincent: I heard something....  
  
Beth: (grabs her bags and acts like she is walking by)  
  
Vincent: (looks around) Gee.... Beth sure has a lot of presents....  
  
Cloud: Oh, the Diamond Dolphin is beautiful....   
  
Beth: (hides on the other side of the store and listens)  
  
Cid: Hey, if you need just a few more gil, I will pitch in....  
  
Vincent: Me too...  
  
Cloud: what are you guys getting YOUR girlfriends for Christmas?  
  
Cid: I am not sure yet...  
  
Vincent: (eyes widen) WHAT girlfriend???  
  
Cloud: Sorry Vince.... I just thought that Beth.... was........ uh.... your..........  
  
Vincent: (snorts) Hmmm..... yeah.... (emotionless)  
  
Beth: (is shocked, picks up her bags and walks away)  
  
Vincent: (walks out of the store)....... hmm.........   
  
Beth: (walks into another store) ..... doesn't he like me?......   
  
Vincent: (walks into the same store)  
  
Beth: (sees him out of the corner of her eye, but hides the fact that she saw him) hmmm..... what would Cid like... (she mumbles as she picks up a pack of Cigs)   
  
Vincent: you know he smokes Salem....  
  
Beth: (jumps) Vincent.... I.... uh....... (looks back at the cigs) maybe a new lighter?? He IS always using Red.....  
  
Vincent: (swallows hard) You... were listening to our conversation.... weren't you?  
  
Beth: (sighs) Yes.... and I heard more then you think I did....  
  
Vincent: (reaches for her hand)  
  
Beth: (moves away) I am going to buy these for Cid now...  
  
Vincent: B....b...... (wants to apologize)  
  
Beth: (turns around) Yes?  
  
Vincent: (words fail him).......  
  
Beth: (buys the presents for Cid and walks out of Tobacco World)  
  
Vincent: (sighs)  
  
Beth: (walking quickly away from the store, she soon enters another store)   
  
Vincent: (following her) she is.... getting my present now....  
  
Beth: (walks through the rows of coffins) At least he needs a good pillow....   
  
Vincent: (sits across the way at the Tofu World) she..... I hurt her.....  
  
Beth: (walks out of Coffin World with a bag) hmmm.... now for Cait Sith, Shera.... and.... Aeris and Zak.... (walks off)  
  
(About an Hour later)  
  
Tifa: (sees Vincent) Hey....  
  
Vincent: (head on a table in Tofu World) hey.....  
  
Tifa: what's wrong??  
  
Vincent: I think Beth heard something I didn't want her to hear....  
  
Tifa: what???  
  
Vincent: I..... don't want to talk about it......  
  
Tifa: are you sure?  
  
Vincent: She thinks I don't like her.... But that just isn't TRUE! (Slams head on table, breaking it)  
  
Owner of the Tofu World: HEY! You'll have to pay for that!  
  
Tifa: Okay, I have to go buy Cloud's present.... hey, what are you buying for Beth??  
  
Vincent: I don't know yet.......  
  
Tifa: Make it a good thing and she may forgive you...  
  
Vincent: She may never forgive me.... (lets a tear fall)  
  
Tifa: Vincent??? Do I see a tear? Are you....  
  
Vincent: Falling in love?? NO!  
  
Tifa: (gives him a knowing look)  
  
Vincent: (sighs) Yes...(trying to hide his emotions) but that is our secret....  
  
Tifa: Okay... (smiles) I can hide  
  
Vincent: Oh, better get Cloud something super duper good.....  
  
Tifa: Why???  
  
Vincent: (points to Cloud, now walking out of Diamond World) That's why....  
  
Tifa: don't worry... that will be our secret too....  
  
A few hours later at the food court, everyone is sitting, eating lunch.  
  
Beth: I got all my shopping done....  
  
Aeris: I even got myself a new dress...  
  
Beth: I got me a few things too....  
  
Tifa: I got a lot of good presents....  
  
Barret: I got Marlene a new doll house.... she told me in her last letter that she wanted sumthin' like it....  
  
Beth: Barret how sweet.....  
  
Cid: I am almost done shopping....  
  
Vincent: I need to go get one more thing....  
  
Beth: (gives Vincent a quizzical eye) hmmm? Is this person hard to buy for?  
  
Vincent: Nah, just want to get them the right thing....  
  
Blue: I am done shopping....  
  
Red: Me too!!!  
  
Cait Sith: (wakes up at his table) hmmm???  
  
Beth: I say the girls go over to the Baby world and ooh and Agh....  
  
Aeris: I do love those little booties!!!  
  
Beth: I do too... I had a lot of sisters, so we always had little booties!!! They are so cute!!! And we can also babysit for the moms that go in there to shop....  
  
Tifa: Oh.... sounds like FUN....  
  
The girls run off...  
  
Vincent: What am I going to get for Beth?? (slams head into table... THUNK)   
  
Owner: Don't go breaking MORE stuff now!  
  
Blue: Why not get her something nice?  
  
Red: Like....  
  
Cloud: (grabs Vincent by the cape) come on.... let's go in here....  
  
Vincent: (looks at the store) Author World??  
  
Cloud: Sure... there has got to be something in here for Beth, after all she IS an author...  
  
Vincent: She writes a few fan fictions now and then.... so it Is worth a try.... I mean... how bad can it be...  
  
Cid: Beth as an author or the store?  
  
Vincent: (clocks Cid)  
  
(a few hours later)  
  
Vincent: man... that was really bad....  
  
Cloud: that has NOTHING to do with authors....  
  
Vincent: (pointing to sign)  
  
Cloud: Formally Author world... now Bunch of Crap World???  
  
Vincent: (grumbles and walks off)  
  
Beth: (walking out of Babies World by herself)  
  
Vincent: (sees her and hides behind a potted plant)  
  
Beth: (talking to herself).... why doesn't Vincent like me...... I wish I knew....... I mean....... he is soon very nice, and sooooooooo very good looking.......  
  
Vincent: (smiles) she thinks I am cute... and nice..... wow.......  
  
Beth: (hears something) hmmm (looks around but sees no one) oh, well.... (walks over to the one store nobody has been in yet.... Stuff World)   
  
Vincent: why is she going in there?? (Idea!) Hey.... (Vincent runs into the store and sneaks past Beth, then looks at the items like he has been their a while)  
  
Beth: (sees him) Vincent!!!   
  
Vincent: (turns around, shocked) Oh, um.... Beth....... hi.......  
  
Beth: Whatcha doing? (Smiles)  
  
Vincent: Just looking....  
  
Beth: Listen.... I know you want to get me a good Christmas present....  
  
Vincent: How do.....  
  
Beth: Author??? Duh!!!   
  
Vincent: Then.... what........  
  
Beth: (leans towards him and smiles) you will know.... (kisses him on the cheek)..... (remembers he didn't like her) bye.... (walks hurriedly out of the store)  
  
Vincent: hmmm......... (sees the PERFECT gift) A-HA!!!!! (grabs it, pays for it and runs out of the store to join the others)  
  
(Back on the Highwind)   
  
Cloud: Everyone here???  
  
Beth: Role CALL!!!   
  
Aeris: Here!  
  
Barret: HERE!  
  
Beth: Here...  
  
Blue: Here  
  
Cloud: here...  
  
Cid: here...  
  
Cait: here...  
  
Tifa: here!  
  
Shera: here...  
  
Zak: Huh? You called?  
  
Red: Here...and (burp) Yuffie's here too!! (pats stomach)  
  
Cloud: We are all here... let's go!!!  
  
Beth: CLOUD!!! Wait!!! We are missing someone....  
  
Cloud: Who?  
  
Barret: Vampire Boy!!!!  
  
Beth: Vincent.... (turns around and walks to a private room on the ship) not.... that I care.........  
  
Tifa: Man.... he really hurt her feelings....  
  
Aeris: Hmm? You say something Teef?   
  
Tifa: oh, nothing....  
  
Vincent: (comes running in) Sorry I am late, let's get towards home....  
  
They leave Costa del Sol.  
  



	6. Session Six

Chapter Six  
  
Bad Wutian Food, eh Nanaki?  
  
Back at Home!  
  
Beth: (climbs the stairs to her own room)  
  
Vincent and Red (and therefore, Yuffie) and Blue go down the elevator to their rooms.  
  
Tifa and Cloud head upstairs.  
  
Aeris and Zak go to their separate rooms.  
  
Cid shows Shera where she will be sleeping.  
  
Cait Sith goes upstairs to his room.  
  
Vincent: (opens up his bag, reveling a small necklace with the name Beth' on it in small diamonds) Perfect.... (he hides it in his coffin).... sweet dreams shall come to me now..... (falls asleep)  
  
Vincent: (wakes up in the middle of the night, sweating as usual) Damn.... nightmares..... (panting from his dream) .......... but....... why none..... last night..... I wonder? (He reaches his hand out where Beth had slept the night before.... cold.... he wanted her with him) Damn it.... Tifa WAS right..... I am falling in love.... (tries to get some sleep)  
  
The next morning as Tifa, Aeris, Beth, Blue and Shera are making Breakfast, they talk about their loves, well, not Beth...  
  
Tifa: Cloud told me he loved me.... oh, it was so sweet....  
  
Aeris: I like Zak a LOT, he is my best friend.... I care so much about him....  
  
(the continue to chitter)  
  
Tifa: Hey, Beth....  
  
Beth: (letting the bacon burn) Hmmm?  
  
Tifa: Hey.... who do you like...?  
  
Beth: doesn't matter... he doesn't like me back, so why waste my time?  
  
Tifa: I know for a fact that somebody LIKES you... maybe even LOVES you!!!  
  
Beth: ha... (sets the table) sure... (looks up and sees some Mistletoe in the doorway of the living room)  
  
Tifa: Oh, I put that there.... maybe it will inspire some....  
  
Beth: Yeah, inspire me to barf.....  
  
Red: (sniffing) Breakfast smells good!!!  
  
Yuffie: (still inside Red) GIVE ME SOME FOOD!!!  
  
Red: Stop moving in there!! Damn, now I know how it feels to be pregnant.  
  
Tifa: With a one hundred pound kid?  
  
Yuffie: (muffled) I only weigh ninety four pounds!  
  
Red: I beg to differ! Consider doubling that?  
  
Beth: (seeing that breakfast is done) I will call for the others... (walks over to the living room door)   
  
Vincent: (smirks and walks over to her) Hey....  
  
Beth: (catches her breath) Yeah?  
  
Vincent: (smiles and points up)  
  
Beth: (eyes widen)  
  
Vincent: (gently kisses her on the lips, holding her arms at her sides) hmm....  
  
Beth: (blushes and looks down at her feet) It....its time for breakfast.... (tries to hide a smile)  
  
Tifa: (giggles a little and nods at Vincent as he walks in and sits down)  
  
Vincent: (whispering to Tifa) Thanks.... for the Mistletoe.....  
  
The others come in, carefully avoiding the mistletoe and sit down to breakfast. Beth sits and doesn't really talk, nor does she really eat much.  
  
Beth: (stands up) I will help clean up.....  
  
Blue: No.... why don't you go for a walk? I will clean up today! You haven't been acting like yourself all morning... you need a break........   
  
Beth: I don't know.... I... guess you are right...  
  
Blue: Beth.... please....  
  
Tifa: she's right, Beth, you haven't been yourself..... go clear your head....  
  
Beth: Okay.... (grabs her coat and heads for the door)  
  
Vincent: It's kind of dangerous out there.....  
  
Beth: I....... (doesn't look him in the eye) will be okay..... (leaves)  
  
Vincent: (slams head onto table, almost cracking it in two) AH! What am I doing wrong!!!  
  
Cloud: Hmmm? (Mouth full of bacon) She burnt the bacon.... OH WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WOMAN???!!  
  
Vincent: Can't you all tell that I am falling deeply in love with that woman??? I need her!!!  
  
Cid: hmmm.... I wondered why you are acting differently.... not at all like your vampire self!  
  
Vincent: I am not a vampire... But she thinks that I hate her... (sighs)  
  
Tifa: Vincent, if you haven't noticed... Beth seems to be falling in love with you... but she doesn't want to tell you right out.  
  
Cloud: Did she hear what you said about her in the store?  
  
Vincent: I think so....  
  
Tifa: What store? Where?  
  
Cloud: Nothing...  
  
Cid: Bummer....   
  
Red: then she is outside right now.... go tell her how you feel... it will be very romantic, the fresh fallen snow... sun rising over the mountains....  
  
Blue: I had no idea that you where so romantic Nanaki.......  
  
Vincent: Do you think I should?  
  
Everyone: YES!!!  
  
Vincent: (runs out the door to follow Beth) Thanks!!!  
  
Vincent: (runs outside to catch Beth)  
  
Sephiroth: (jumps out of nowhere in front of him) A-HA!!!  
  
Vincent: I have no time for this now... I have to go find Beth!!!  
  
Sephiroth: I have already taken the liberty of finding her for you... er... (consults his script) for ME!!!  
  
Vincent: What do YOU want with BETH!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Why don't you ask her?  
  
Beth: (trance-like state) Hello...  
  
Vincent: Beth!!! Beth.... Please... what does Sephiroth want to do with you?  
  
Beth: (trance like) I... am.... going.... to be....his bride...  
  
Vincent: WHAT??? (taken by surprise)   
  
Sephiroth: And with Beth under my control... I can rule the WORLD!!!  
  
Vincent: (calls for the others, all come rushing out) HELP!!!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: (hands Vincent an Invite) I do wish that all of you will attend our ceremony though...  
  
Cloud: What is he doing?  
  
Sephy: I am taking Beth away to be my Manipulated BRIDE!!!  
  
Vincent: Beth!!! Fight it....  
  
Beth: (trance) no... I.... love....... S...Sephiroth.....  
  
Tifa: BETH!!! Fight it!!! I heard that stutter in there... you ARE fighting it........  
  
Sephiroth: Fight THIS!!! (looks at Beth) Dear... if you would be so kind...  
  
Beth: (robotic; raises hand and both Diamond and Ruby Weapon appears)  
  
Cloud: Ah... Mother $#%#$ %$&%&#!!!! OF ALL THE TIMES--  
  
Blue: AHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: Sephiroth is getting away!!!!!! (watches as Sephiroth takes Beth and disappear)  
  
Cloud: (being attacked) We are just a little busy right now....  
  
A long hard fight later, Ruby lays dead on the ground....Diamond, being the coward, flew off again.  
  
Vincent: (looking at the Invite) I KNOW!!! (Runs and changes into his nice outfit) Hurry guys! We have to go to a wedding....  
  
They all look at him....  
  
Vincent: TRUST ME!!!  
  
Tifa: I think I know what he is going to do!!! (runs and gets changed into a formal gown)  
  
Aeris: YEAH!!!   
  
Everyone goes to get changed...  
  
(a few days later)  
  
Beth: (trance) Sephiroth... all is ready for our joyous day.  
  
Jenova: (dotting her eyes with a tissue) I am so... happy....  
  
Sephiroth: The guests should be here soon.... go get dressed my dear...  
  
Beth: yes... honey...  
  
Jenova: I have the perfect dress...  
  
Beth: Then... you ... may help me.... mother........  
  
Jenova: SHE CALLED ME MOTHER!!! (hugs Sephiroth) I am so proud!!! I just KNEW that this day would come.... oh my baby is getting MARRIED!!! (sobs happily)  
  
The guests arrive one by one... Tseng, Palmer, Rude and Reno are the ushers. AVALANCHE looks for a seat...  
  
Tseng: Are you with the bride or the groom?  
  
Vincent: Bride...  
  
Cloud: To save her....  
  
Cid: Shut up!!!  
  
Tifa: Shhh!!!!  
  
Red: This place is crawling with Shinra.... we better watch our backs....  
  
Rude: over here....  
  
They sit....  
  
Vincent: (looking around) There...is Jenova??? what is she doing here???  
  
Tifa: I don't know, nice dress though.....  
  
Cid: Shhh!!! Sephiroth's mom' remember?  
  
Vincent: Then... who......  
  
(the groom and the groomsmen come walking out)  
  
Sephiroth: (dressed in a dark black tux)   
  
Aeris: Man... Sephiroth dresses up nicely, doesn't he?  
  
He has several generic groomsmen, but Hojo is the best man....  
  
The music picks up again, as several generic bridesmaids walk down the aisle, along with Elena and Scarlet.  
  
Tifa: so does Hojo, and Elena and even Scarlet....  
  
Aeris: (crying) I always cry at.... forced manipulated weddings....  
  
Tifa: shh!! Here comes the bride!!  
  
They all stand up as Beth (still very much in a trance) walks by them, holding a single black rose.   
  
Vincent: grr... (goes to run after her)  
  
Cid: Wow.... hold it.... (holds onto him)  
  
Vincent: WHAT??? If you hadn't noted... he is stealing the woman I LOVE!!! (pulls at Cid's grip) I have to save here from him!!!  
  
Cloud: Wait for the famous line...  
  
Tifa: Yeah, the one line that the priest will say...  
  
Vincent: okay.... (thinks how good Beth looks in that gown) HEY!! Isn't that....  
  
Cloud: yep, that's Rufus walking her down the aisle alright...  
  
Aries: SHHHH!!!  
  
Generic Priest: We are gathered her today to mark the union of this evil Madman... Sephiroth... and his lovely young bride Beth................................  
  
Vincent: I agree with the very lovely young part, but when does he say that line???  
  
Cloud: Soon....  
  
Barret:: What does he want with...her?  
  
Aries: (crying) it's so.... beautiful..... and so..... WRONG.... (blows her nose on Zak's outfit)  
  
Zak: It's okay..... (pats her on the head)  
  
Priest: Do you have the ring?  
  
Yuffie: (inside Red) This is so beautiful!  
  
Sephiroth: Yes....  
  
Vincent: (grumbling)......This may be my biggest sin..... I AM SO GOING TO KILL HIM!!!  
  
Some Generic Guests: (look at Vincent and shush him)  
  
Cloud: Hush!! This is the good part.....  
  
Priest: If anyone knows a reason that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace....  
  
Sephiroth: Or DO speak now and hold your head in pieces!!! (Pulls out his Masamune)  
  
Tifa: Vincent!!! That's the line!!!  
  
Vincent: (stands up) He can't marry her!!!  
  
Everyone gasps and turns to look.  
  
Priest: Speak your mind....  
  
Vincent: She is under mind control.... she isn't truly there... HE is manipulating her!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Hmm... Beth, ignore that rapscallion.... we are a few seconds from being happily married forever.... now, kiss me! (Makes rude kissing noise)  
  
Beth: (eyes change) No.  
  
Sephiroth: WHAT???  
  
Beth: I said... No.  
  
Priest: She.... said no.  
  
Beth: (looks at Sephiroth, then at the Priest, then at the group of AVALANCHE, especially Vincent) I.... do not..... love you Sephiroth.... (runs down the aisle)   
  
Vincent: (smiles)  
  
Beth: (walks over to Avalanche)  
  
Vincent: (swallows hard and looks at Tifa)  
  
Tifa: (nods)   
  
Vincent: (hugs her and whispers in her ear) I care for you Beth....  
  
Beth: (gasps) Vin....cent, are you...... serious?  
  
Vincent: (smiles) yes... I am...  
  
Beth: then... (hugs him tighter) I care for you too!  
  
The crowd: ooh and aah....  
  
Jenova: Here I thought my boy got himself a decent girl and.... and.... he was being evil and manipulating her.... (looks at Sephiroth) YOU ARE GROUNDED MISTER!!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Ahh man...  
  
Jenova: No evil plotting, no evil scheming for ONE MONTH!!!  
  
Sephiroth: But mom....  
  
Jenova: and certainly NO random acts of violence!!!  
  
Beth: (holds onto Vincent tightly)  
  
Vincent: (comforts her) It's okay, it'll be alright now....  
  
Beth: Oh.... I couldn't do anything.... he manipulated me...  
  
Vincent: I know.... shh.... (realizes that the rest of the group is watching him) er.... (lets go of Beth) Nice that we could save you....  
  
They all get back into the Highwind and go home.  
  



	7. Session Seven

Chapter Seven  
  
Merry Christmas?!? Do they celebrate Christmas in FF7 World?  
  
( later, Upstairs)  
  
Tifa: (shouting up a ladder) All the RED boxes Cloud!!!  
  
Cloud: They are ALL red!!!!  
  
Tifa: No... some are blood red, some are red orange, and some are red pink!!!  
  
Cloud: They all look red to me....  
  
Tifa: The blood red ones are for thanksgiving... the red orange are for Halloween, and the red pink are for Valentines day!  
  
Cloud: What about the fushia ones?  
  
Tifa: Birthdays....  
  
Cloud: (sighs) I really wish you could color code better....  
  
Tifa: Just get all the boxes that say Christmas on it... PLEASE!!  
  
Cloud: (comes crashing down the ladder, several large boxes land on him)   
  
Tifa: Would you stop clowning around??? The others will be here with the tree any second now!!!  
  
(outside the house)  
  
Beth: Just a little further guys!!!  
  
Red: ouch.....  
  
Blue: Stop complaining....  
  
Vincent: My back hurts.  
  
Cid: I need another cig...  
  
Shera: Oh, hush....  
  
Zak: Oh.... what are we? PACK MULES!?!?!  
  
Aeris: Oh, hush.... the tree isn't that heavy....  
  
Red: Yeah, it isn't.... but the four of you riding on it are making it a little heavy...  
  
Beth: and just WHAT are you insinuating???  
  
Red: Nothing... nothing....  
  
Blue: Well, it got cold....  
  
Beth: We get tired faster....  
  
(The men drag the tree inside)  
  
Tifa: Set it up over here... by the couch.... there! No.....  
  
Beth: It will look better over here....  
  
Aeris: No, over there.....  
  
Cloud: ouch.... (face full of pine needles)  
  
Tifa: RIGHT THERE!!!!!  
  
(they set up the tree and stand back to look)  
  
Beth: Let's decorate....  
  
Vincent: (opening a box) Ugh.... lights.... Here Red!!! (hands Red the box)  
  
Red: Uh.... (pulls the strand out) THEY ARE ALL TANGLED!!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: You can do that...  
  
Cait Sith: (opens up one box and finds a big paper HEART) Hey.....  
  
Tifa: CLOUD!!! I told you all the RED boxes!!!  
  
Cloud: They are ALL red boxes.....  
  
Barret: I nominate Beth to do the lights....  
  
Beth: (sigh) Here... (lights are untangled and on the tree)  
  
Cloud: (opens a box) Oh... these are my kiddie....  
  
Barret: Marlene made this and sent it to me....  
  
Beth: A.... jack-o-lantern????  
  
Tifa: (sighs)  
  
Cloud: YOU get the boxes next time....  
  
Tifa: There is the garlands....  
  
(a few hours later....)  
  
Tifa: What a beautiful tree....  
  
Cloud: I kinda like the way we incorperated the jack-o-lantern, the turkey and the paper hearts on this tree...  
  
Cid: Don't forget the Flaming Foxes Five' Movie...  
  
Cloud: So THAT is where I hid my best porno...  
  
Barret: DIBS!  
  
Cait Sith: I want to do the star....  
  
Cid: no ME!  
  
Shera: No me....  
  
Beth: Wait...  
  
Barret: I think that Marlene should do the star when she arrives!  
  
(They all agree and head for bed)  
  
(The next day, before breakfast)  
  
Tifa: Is it just me, or is all the women do around here is COOK!  
  
Blue: And clean....  
  
Beth: (walking upstairs)  
  
Tifa: hmmm....  
  
Beth: Okay, okay.... I know what you are trying to say....  
  
(the doorbell rings)  
  
Beth: BARRET!!! IT'S FOR YOU!!!  
  
Barret: Who could it....  
  
Beth: (looks at Barret as he walks by)  
  
Barret: MARLENE!!!!!!  
  
Beth: Bingo....  
  
Marlene: Daddy!!! (hugs Barret)  
  
Barret: How's my girl?  
  
Marlene: Daddy I missed you so much!  
  
Beth: Marlene, dear... are you hungry?  
  
Marlene: YOU BET!!!  
  
Beth: We made biscuits and gravy today....  
  
Marlene: My favorite... yes indeed....  
  
They all sit and watch Marlene eat........... and eat..................... and eat.............. and EAT!  
  
Barret: That's my girl....  
  
Beth: She has had FOUR helpings... (not able to polish off two helpings)  
  
Cloud: well, it's wonderful! (Helping himself to another platter of gravy)  
  
Tifa: I am glad this is such a hit!   
  
Beth: Yeah....  
  
Cloud: (talking with his mouth full) Mhd dalkdoiei kldljoaie odijfkdidi!!  
  
Marlene: Mr. Cloud... it isn't nice to speak with your mouth full!!!  
  
Cloud: (swallows) I said we HAVE to go find that materia so Shinra will be finished!!  
  
Beth: Yes... but it is two days before Christmas... go after the new year... so we can at least spend Christmas together.... (glances at Vincent, then at the floor w hen their eyes meet)  
  
Cloud: But I think that the women should stay here.......  
  
Beth: WHY?  
  
Tifa: are we not strong enough?  
  
Barret: Hey, Marlene... like the Christmas tree?  
  
Aeris: BRAVE enough?  
  
Marlene: Yeah! But where is the star?  
  
Blue: well???  
  
Barret: (hands her the star and picks her up) You put it on....  
  
Cloud: uh, let me finish! I think you guys should stay here so you won't know what we are going to get you for Valentines day!!!  
  
Marlene: (puts star on crooked)  
  
Barret: Good job!!!  
  
Girls: Ohhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! How nice.....  
  
Cloud: I think we should leave the second of January....  
  
Tifa: what day will you return?? (obviously not liking the idea of the men leaving)  
  
Cloud: When we are done... we still have to find that materia to stop Shinra!  
  
Cid: what? Leaving all these women folk by themselves with Sephiroth on the loose?  
  
Beth: I don't think he will bother us for a while....  
  
At the crater:   
  
Jenova: AND after you take out the garbage, clean the attic, sweep the floor, shampoo the carpet and fix me a twenty course meal... then you can go to your room and THINK about what you have done....  
  
Sephiroth: (sighs) Yes Mom....  
  
Jenova: And call me MOTHER!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Yes..... MOTHER!!!  
  
Cid: Why?  
  
Beth: Uh... I think that he is grounded...  
  
Tifa: (giggling) Oh, yeah......  
  
Cid: But, still leaving these women here alone... especially Marlene... she's a little girl...  
  
Beth: I think we can handle it for a while by ourselves... we are just as strong as you guys are...  
  
Vincent: We have to at least CALL....  
  
Barret: Yeah....  
  
Aries: (sighs) Will ALL the men be going?  
  
Cait Sith: I can stay...  
  
Barret: Uh... NO!!! We are not trusting a known spy with MY daughter....  
  
Cait Sith: Ouch...  
  
Zak: (handing his plate to Aeris) I don't know... he has changed sides....  
  
Barret: But this is my DAUGHTER!!!  
  
Vincent: (agreeing with Barret) I think that we should trust the girls by themselves........ NOT WITH THE LIKES OF HIM!!! (points to Cait Sith) It's more than just Barret's daughter... it is also..... (trails off)  
  
Cait Sith: Oh yeah, Mr. Former Turk????  
  
Vincent: YEAH!  
  
Cait Sith: You and me take this outside RIGHT NOW!  
  
Vincent: Ladies first!  
  
Tifa: Stop fighting you two!  
  
Beth: I know what Vince is saying......  
  
Red: But WAIT!!!!  
  
(All look at Red)  
  
Red: Beth is the AUTHOR...  
  
Blue: That's right, nothing will go wrong...  
  
Beth: Besides, we are strong too...  
  
Cloud: Then we will leave right after the new year!  
  
Guys: Yeah!  
  
Barret: But we need to hurry back.  
  
Cid: We will fight hard.... for Shera!!!  
  
Barret: For Marlene!  
  
Red: For Blue!  
  
Cloud: For Tifa and future sex opportunities!  
  
Tifa: (grumbles then cracks a smile)  
  
Vincent: For Beth.....   
  
Beth: !..............? (just looks at Vincent)  
  
Vincent: ................  
  
Beth: ..............  
  
Vincent: ....... ..........   
  
Beth: ................?  
  
Vincent: .......!!!  
  
Beth: (walks back to the kitchen)  
  
Tifa: What was THAT???  
  
Beth: Oh... nothing.... (smiles)  
  
Tifa: Yeah, you guys didn't SAY anything...  
  
Beth: Sure... that's what YOU think.....  
  
(Later, in Red's Bathroom)  
  
Red: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..........ooooooooooooooooo  
  
ooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEE..............eeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  
  
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!  
  
Blue: Are you alright dear?  
  
Red: FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII  
  
IIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE............  
  
Yuffie: Gross, I am the one that needs HELP!  
  
Red: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUG  
  
GGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH 


	8. Session Eight

Chapter Eight  
  
Why does this keep going?  
  
(A few days later)  
  
Cloud: (waking up at four in the morning) Yeah!!! Hey.... it's...... (grabs calander) CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!! (runs downstairs) HEY!!! WAKE UP! (Cloud sees presents) SANT-Y CLAUS CAME!!!!!! (runs upstairs) Tifa! Wake up! (Bangs on Tifa's door)  
  
Tifa: (groggily) What?? (opens door a crack)   
  
Cloud: (screams) It is CHRISTMAS!!!!!!   
  
Tifa: (sighs) Cloud... It's four in the morning....   
  
Cloud: BUT SANT-Y CLAUS CAME!  
  
Barret: (sighs) Can you yell any louder? Marlene is now awake... THANKS!   
  
Cloud: I SAID IT IS TIME FOR PRESENTS!!!!! SANT-Y CLAUS CAME LAST NIGHT!!!!!!! (runs downstairs)  
  
Tifa: (sigh) Might as well get up....  
  
Barret: Do we have a choice?  
  
Marlene: (in her Hello Kitty pajamas) Daddy... Santa Claus came? Is it too early for presents?   
  
Barret: (picks her up) Uh...... no.....  
  
Cloud: (from the basement) RED!!!!!! BLUE!!!!!!!! VINCENT!!!!!!!!! BEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WAKE UP!!!!!!!!  
  
(groans from downstairs)  
  
Tifa: (looks at Barret) Better... get breakfast...  
  
Barret: Hey, has Beth still got that Chibi hammer?  
  
Beth: (THUD)  
  
Cloud: (now chibi) EEEP!!!  
  
Beth: hmpth! Now... I might as well get up...  
  
Barret: I think that's a YES....  
  
Tifa: (walks downstairs and sees Beth walking out of the elevator) Hey... better start with breakfast...  
  
Beth: Yeah....  
  
(Vincent, Blue, Red and Chibi Cloud come out of the elevator after a few minutes)  
  
Chibi Cloud: LOOK AT ALL THE PRESENTS THEY ARE HUGE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Marlene: (sighs) You are my size....  
  
Beth: (hits Cloud again with the hammer)   
  
Cloud: (normal size)  
  
Vincent: (grabs a mug) Want some cocoa Marlene???  
  
Cid: (running downstairs) Noooooooooo!!!!!!! That is MY special cocoa... you can't give that to the child!  
  
Vincent: .......?  
  
Cid: That is mine....  
  
Shera: Can I have some of your special' cocoa?  
  
Cid: Uh, later....  
  
Beth: I have some cocoa for Marlene...  
  
Marlene: (feeling spoiled) Yah!  
  
(After about a half an hour)   
  
Tifa: (brings in a plate of warm sugar cookies and egg nog and cocoa and sits it on the coffee table)  
  
Tifa: Breakfast...  
  
Beth: We thought it was best if we had some festive food today.  
  
Marlene: (grabs a giant cookie) Yum!!!  
  
Yuffie: (comes running downstairs) CHRISTMAS!  
  
Cait Sith: (trips downstairs) oh.......... ouch......... ee.......... ah...........   
  
(Everyone sits around the giant tree, full of decorations and lights)  
  
Beth: I think Marlene should get a present first....  
  
Barret: (hands her a big, poorly wrapped present) Here... for my daughter....  
  
Marlene: Uh.... (takes the overly taped package) thank you.... (starts to unwrap it)  
  
(It takes Marlene about an hour to unwrap the present)  
  
Marlene: Thank you.... (hugs her father) The doll-y house I wanted....  
  
Cloud: (dancing around rambling) presents............. presents................   
  
Tifa: here.... (hands Cloud the present from Beth)  
  
Cloud: (rips into it, letting the paper fly all over) OH.... it's uh......... uh.........  
  
Beth: A chocobo egg....  
  
Tifa: A.... gold.... chocobo.... egg?  
  
Beth: yeah  
  
Cloud: (runs to his room to safely put his egg away)  
  
Tifa: here....   
  
(Hands over a small gift for Cid)  
  
Cid: (opens it) Hey! A lighter, thanks Beth!  
  
Beth: (sipping cocoa) No problem....  
  
Cid: (Flicks his bic and flames fry his face)  
  
Beth: That is a heavy duty lighter (mug in front of her face)  
  
Cid: So.... I have noticed.....  
  
Tifa: To Barret, from the guys....  
  
Beth: Uh oh.....  
  
Barret: (Opens his present) uh....... it's.....  
  
Cid: A recipe book... so we can all get some real nutrients in our diet....   
  
Barret: Uh, thanks....  
  
Tifa: (smiles and hands a present to Red) Here you go....  
  
Red: (pulls out a thick blanket) Wow.... thanks Tifa!  
  
Tifa: It get's darn cold up here in the middle of the night, you sleep on the floor in the basement... you needed something.....  
  
Red: Thanks.... (Wraps it around Blue and himself)   
  
(Cloud returns)  
  
Tifa: Here.... uh.... why don't we let Barret open his gift? (Hands Barret a present)  
  
Barret: Uh...... ammo! Thanks......  
  
Cid: Damn.... give Yuffie a present, she is having a fit....  
  
Yuffie: (staring intently at a large present that says "To Yuffie")  
  
Tifa; Open that one Yuffie!!!  
  
Yuffie: (rips into it) Ohhhhhhhhhhh.... what is it?  
  
Beth: (sighs and looks at the group) Who gave her that?  
  
Cid and Vincent exchange silent looks;  
  
Yuffie: (reading the name on the box) Make.... your own...... dildo set? (Looks at Beth) What's a dildo?  
  
Beth: (blushing, glares at Cid and Vincent) I....er... ask Tifa!  
  
Tifa: (grumbles) Don't act so dumb you whore!  
  
Yuffie: This says it only makes em up to eight inches, I want a twenty inch one!  
  
Tifa: then make three and glue them together, just get that damn thing out of here.  
  
Soon all the presents were handed out and everyone was well fed and happy. 


	9. Session Eight and a Half!

Chapter Nine:  
  
It's still here!  
  
A/N: What??? You guys are s till reading this? Don't you think this is the most horrible thing that you have ever read in your entire life? I do.  
  
Oh, and now the guys are on the Highwind.  
  
Cloud: Cid, can't this thing fly ANY faster????? PLEASE??  
  
Cid: what's the matter man??? I thought you get motion sickness....  
  
Cloud: That is overran by the fact that we all have a lady waiting at home for us...  
  
Cait Sith: I don't...  
  
Vincent: neither does Yuffie, there you go!  
  
Cait: Oh hush, Author's pet!  
  
Vincent: I like being her pet... she only chains me up once in a while!  
  
Cloud: Kinky little one, kinda like Tifa was a couple of ni- (cuts off) never mind  
  
Cid: I vote we go to the northern crater first...  
  
Cloud: No, we have all the materia there that is up there... where are a few spots in this small planet we haven't seen yet?  
  
Cait Sith: how about the sleeping man, near Junon?  
  
Vincent: Lucrecia's cavern? That may do it....  
  
Cid: How about the rocket's launch site?  
  
Barret: How about the small island to the very far north of the crater...   
  
Cloud: We got knights of the round from there....  
  
Vincent: yeah....  
  
Barret: Okay, shoot me then!  
  
Vincent: Okay! (Grabs a gun, any gun and shoots Barret in the butt)  
  
Barret: HEY!   
  
Vincent: Hey, yourself, you asked for it....  
  
Red: Here we are, at.... the sleeping man's cave!  
  
Barret: I will go check....  
  
(after a few minutes)  
  
Barret: (stumbles in) No.... no materia in there....  
  
Red: What happened to you?  
  
Cid: Pull yerself tagether man! What the FUCK happened?  
  
Cloud: Hmm?  
  
Barret: Turk...turk....  
  
Red: TURKS?  
  
Barret: NO! (Controlling himself now) TURKEYS! Wild ones...  
  
Cloud: Let's rest here for the night?  
  
All agree.  
  
(Later that night)  
  
Vincent and Cid are in the same tent.  
  
Cid: (covering his ears) SOMEBODY WAKE HIM UP!!   
  
Barret: (comes running into the tent)  
  
Cid: (looks at Vincent) He is having a nightmare!  
  
Vincent: (thrashes about)  
  
Barret: (smacks Vincent awake) I thoug' ye' said you didn' have any nig'mares anymer! Ya fuckin' Foo'!!!  
  
Vincent: (waking up) Hah! That is only when I am with Beth.... something about her....  
  
Cid: than take yer nigh'mares out of here ya god damned shit eating piece of FUCKING MORON NUTS !!!!!!!  
  
Vincent: Sorry.....  
  
()()()  
  
(The next morning)  
  
Cid: I didn't get any sleep last night.....  
  
Cloud: okay... take us up Captain!   
  
Cid: Sure thing there fa-er- favorite personal friend of mine.... (smiles)  
  
Vincent: where are we heading?  
  
Cloud: to the chocobo ranch, we need a gold chocobo for this...  
  
Vincent: Lucrecia's cavern?  
  
Cloud: Yep....  
  
Cid: (yells) HOLD ON!!!!  
  
The ship lurches left, everyone flys to the left of the ship.  
  
Barret: I think someone broke my fall.... (moves his arm)  
  
Vincent: I think your fat ass just broke me! (Throws him off) Careful.... my limit break is up....  
  
Cloud: So is mine.... it may come in useful, save it.  
  
Cid: (brings the highwind down.... hard)  
  
All: Oh.....  
  
Barret: If you see any teeth lying around, they are mine....  
  
Red: here are some of mine....  
  
Vincent: NO RED! Those are my....  
  
Red: (explodes)  
  
Vincent: Bullets....  
  
Red: (comes back to life) how...Beth isn't here...  
  
Vincent: She gave me that little trick, just in case...  
  
Barret: Good going.... that will come n handy, won't it?  
  
Cid: (picking up his cigs, that went flying all over the floor) Come her my babies... papa loves you, come back to daddy now....  
  
Vincent: (glances at Barret and makes a face)  
  
Barret: (nods)  
  
Zak: I.... think I will stay here and fly the ship closer to you guys....  
  
Barret: Chocobo-phobia!  
  
Zak: No... it's not that.... its uh............uh.......... yeah, it's that.....  
  
They all get out of the ship and walk into the chocobo farm  
  
Barret: Hmm.... Cloud, Cid, me, Vincent, Cait Sith, Red and.... one, two, three, four, five, six.... six chocobo!  
  
Cid: They only have.... (looks in the stall) Six chocobo....  
  
Vincent: Say thank you....  
  
All: thank you Vincent...  
  
Vincent: Bow to me and pray Muhaha- just joking.....  
  
All: (Bow to him playfully)  
  
Cid: (sarcastically) Lord Vincent, what do we do NOW?  
  
Vincent: Let's go to Lucrecia's cavern.... (jumps on a chocobo)  
  
Chocobo: WARK!!!  
  
Cloud: Sure! (Jumps on a chocobo, but lands hard)  
  
Chocobo #2: WARK!!! (starts pecking Cloud)  
  
Cloud: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cid and the others get their own chocobos.  
  
Red: I will name him Squishy and he shall be mine... and he shall be my Squishy!  
  
Cid: ?!?! (looks at Red) hmmm?  
  
Red: (baby talk to the chocobo) Come here Squishy.... come here.....  
  
Squishy the Chocobo: Wark.....   
  
Cid: What the fuck???? ARE YOU CRAZY.......  
  
Barret: (whispers to Cid) Let him.... he has had a rough few last days...  
  
Red: (yells) Hi-YA!!!! (Squishy takes off)  
  
Cloud: (still being pecked) OUCH!!!  
  
Vincent: Here.... (slaps the chocobo Cloud is riding on)  
  
Chocobo: wa-RK!!! (starts running off)  
  
Cloud: (holding on for dear life) Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllppppppppppppppppppppp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!  
  
Vincent: (gently pats his own bird) Giddy up.... (the bird moves)  
  
The others follow....  
  
()()()  
  
Vincent: (yelling to Cloud) HOLD ON!!!!!  
  
Cloud: (now holding onto the tail feathers of the chocobo) I............................am...................... trying TO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cid: (sighs) Hi ya.... giddy up, giddy up......... (catches up with Cloud)  
  
Cloud: Help......  
  
Cid: (stops the chocobo)  
  
Red: (riding up) Woah Squishy!  
  
Squishy stops.  
  
Barret: (brings his half dead chocobo to a stop) Okay, are we where we need to be?  
  
Chocobo Barret was riding on: (falls over dead)   
  
Barret: Hmm..... must have been a bad one.....  
  
Cloud: Barret, it was a GOLD chocobo.... really, LOSE THE WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!  
  
Barret: I am trying the Atkins diet....  
  
Red: One carb doesn't mean one whole chocolate cake...  
  
Cid: I went on Slim Fast, that works too....  
  
Cloud: I am on the Seafood diet.... see food, eat it....  
  
Red: I think you should try the Cosmo Canyon Diet for beginners, its simple.....  
  
Cait Sith: Well, I.... uh..... Reeve.... went on the Fat away trimming body and shape treadmill all radishes diet.....  
  
Barret: I heard of that... isn't it that F.A.T. B.A.R.S.T.A.R.D. thing?  
  
Cait Sith: Yes.... and HEY!  
  
Barret: I am not going to go on the FAT BASTARD diet!  
  
Red: (hugging his chocobo) I love my Squishy!  
  
Squishy: Wark.... (hugs back)  
  
Vincent: guys... back at the matter at HAND!  
  
Cloud: yeah.... uh...... (looks at Cid) what was that?   
  
Cid: Uh, we are looking for that materia! (Smacks Cloud)  
  
Vincent: (sighs) Let's go in the CAVE!!! (starts to transform into Chaos)  
  
Cloud and Cid: Good idea!!! (goes into the cave)  
  
Lucrecia: ........ who dares... come and bother me?  
  
Vincent: Lucrecia, have you seen a materia around here?  
  
Lucrecia: No... leave  
  
Cloud: You heard the little lady.... (turns to leave)  
  
Lucrecia: Wait, Vincent.....  
  
Vincent: ?........?  
  
Lucrecia: Two things.....  
  
Cid: hurry up!!!!!!!  
  
Cloud: (waits) yeah.....  
  
Lucrecia: (points to the walls of her cave) This..... I think is materia......  
  
Cid: (goes over to the wall) Yep... it looks like a summon materia Cloud....  
  
Cloud: Support....  
  
Cid: Summon....  
  
Cloud: Support!  
  
Vincent: It's a support.... it's BLUE!  
  
Cid: oh.... sorry....   
  
Vincent: that is one thing... what is the other thing....  
  
Lucrecia: Your new loves,' all of them....... I shall kill them all......VINCENT VALENTINE, YOU HAVE SINNED!!!!!!!!!!!!! (disappears)   
  
Vincent: SHIT!  
  
Cid: (grabs Cloud by the hair) LET'S GO!!!  
  
Cloud: TIFA!!!!!!!!  
  
The three guys run out, holding a chunk of the support materia.  
  
Vincent: WHERE IS ZAK WHEN YOU FUCKING NEED HIM??????   
  
Barret: Wha'???  
  
Red: huh???????  
  
Cid: THAT #$(%#( LOON IS GOING TO KILL THE WOMEN!!!!!!!!  
  
All the guys run over the hill, the confused chocobos stare at each other.  
  
Squishy: Wark.... (sad Squishy)  
  
Zak: (pulls the Highwind up over the mountain and throws the ladder to them.  
  
Vincent: ME FIRST!  
  
Cid: NO ME!!!  
  
They all scramble up the ladder.  
  
Cid: (runs into the cockpit) Zak!  
  
Zak: Hey guys!!!  
  
Vincent: (throws Zak aside) To the Mansion NOW  
  
Cid: Nah, I thought I might take the scenic route OF COURSE I AM GOING TO FLY!!!!!!!!  
  
Chapter Nine:  
  
What, are you still here?   
  
Beth and the girls are sitting around a sparkling clean house, watching a sappy movie.  
  
Beth: Girls, did you hear something?  
  
Tifa: Yeah...   
  
Yuffie: We'd better go outside....  
  
The girls run outside.  
  
The girls see a familiar looking woman standing in front of the house.  
  
Lucrecia: I demand to see the one they call BETH!  
  
Beth: What do you want, and who are you?  
  
Lucrecia: I am Lucrecia, your death.... how DARE you seduce Vincent, hasn't he sinned enough?  
  
Beth: hmm.... who are you to talk? He has moved on with his life....  
  
The highwind comes crashing down.  
  
Vincent: (runs out) I told you FAST, not RECKLESS!!!!!!!!   
  
Cid: I was going FAST.... you said nuting about Reckless...   
  
Vincent: I know that it is bad... but.... (looks at Lucrecia) HEY! Lay off the goods! Er....  
  
Beth: (now being backed into a corner by Lucrecia) Your not helping Vincent....   
  
Lucrecia: (has Beth against the side of the mansion, ready to strike) You are nothing to me, I have killed far worse!  
  
Beth: So have I!  
  
Lucrecia: Stay away from him!  
  
Beth: No!  
  
Lucrecia: Yes!  
  
Beth: No!  
  
Lucrecia: Yes!  
  
Beth: No!  
  
Lucrecia: Yes!  
  
Beth: No!  
  
Lucrecia: Yes!  
  
Beth: No!  
  
Lucrecia: Yes!  
  
Beth: No!  
  
Lucrecia: Yes!  
  
Beth: No!  
  
Lucrecia: Yes!  
  
Beth: No!  
  
Lucrecia: Yes!  
  
Beth: Yes!  
  
Lucrecia: No!  
  
Beth: Yes!  
  
Lucrecia: No!  
  
Beth: Yes!  
  
Lucrecia: I said that you can have him, because I don't want the sulking bastard anymore.... (Vanishes)  
  
Beth: (laughing)  
  
Vincent: that was simple...  
  
Beth: Too simple... (hums)  
  
Lucrecia: (back at her cave) there... that should take care of the little heathen! .......... wait a second.... oh well!  
  
Vincent: (looks at the materia that he got form Lucreia's cavern) Hmm... I wonder what it does....  
  
Beth: (grabs it) I cast it with Fire... (equips it and yells) FIRE!  
  
The mansion explodes, everyone runs outside safely.   
  
Barret: What da fuc'????   
  
Cid: My CIGARETTES!  
  
Cloud: Who's having the bon fire?  
  
Marlene: FIREWORKS Daddy!  
  
Beth: Oops...  
  
Cloud: Magnify materia? That's what it must be.... what Shin-Ra had wanted.  
  
Beth: Ya think there numb nuts?  
  
Tifa: Numb nuts? Try no NUTS!  
  
All: (laugh)  
  
Cloud: (blush) Teef I told you not to tell!  
  
Tifa: Oopsy...  
  
Beth: Uh.... (looks around) now where will we stay?  
  
Kukarui: Beth, you're the author... just make it reappear.  
  
Beth: So.... fine....   
  
The house reappears.  
  
A/N: That is all I have for right now, that may be all I write, just add on one final chapter of pointlessness! 


End file.
